Sunday, January 30, 2011

As It Is

I'm working on a blog book. The thing is absolutely huge even though I have weeded out a hundred and fifty pages. I don't want to lose all that I wrote the first year the twins were here, so it's going into a blurb book. Blurb slurps all the blog entries into the program and then I had to go and weed out the ones I didn't want to keep and add all the photos I couldn't put online. It's taking me awhile. I've got it down to 350 pages, but I really, really want to take out another 50 if I can.

Our days have been fairly predictable. Mostly good with a few sour faces and then unfortunately a real blow up this morning by Buster Brown. I confess I lost my cool and his ears tingled... I don't take to being called a stupid idiot very lightly. The cause of such disrespect?After I asked him if he had washed his face after breakfast and he said yes, I then actually looked at it and saw that it wasn't so. I reminded him that lying is NOT okay and to please brush his teeth and wash his face. His insolence grew by the second and he found himself on the porch with the request to please stay outside for awhile. I was hoping a breath of fresh air, space between us and time -out would cool the sparks.  This was not at all to his liking and the screaming and name calling commence while he tried to beat the door down.

At first I dealt with him with firm discipline and singing, but it soon turned to frustration and I let him know exactly how I felt about the way he was treating me. I am discouraged and disappointed in myself. I'm tired - bone tired. I've felt disapproval from some who have no idea. No one who does not live here can really know . . . I'm counting the days until our get-away.

I know the Lord cares and is guiding us. He did not ask us to care for these kids and then walk away. He'll be with us to the end.


C Dawn's bucket said...

I HATE it when I lose it. Yet I'm imperfect and sometimes (more than I'd like) I do. I've found with my boys that using the moments when I lose it to show them my repentance process has been helpful in their healing. I am so grateful to our wonderful Savior for showing me the way.

Sometimes I think using the moments when I mess up and showing my children that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes and yet I can repent, ask forgiveness and move on and the earth hasn't combusted or the sky fallen or whatever they fear can sometimes aid in the softening of their hearts.

But truly be easy on yourself we are all still works in progress.

Mama in Uganda said...

I love your last two sentences. Keep going back to that!

Blessings and love,

Elyssa said...

I can not say that I can understand you, because I have never walked your path but Jesus does and He knows exactly how you feel and all you have to deal with. One of my favorite verses:

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” (Isaiah 41:10)

God bless you, and I will say a special prayer just for you and your family tonight - for strength to press forward.

Jennifer said...

No one (who doesn't live in your home) can truly understand the day to day stress that occurs as a result of caring for these special kids. No one. Some of us can sympathize.

He will be with you to the end.


Julie said...

I don't know if I have ever commented before but there are those of us out there that do get it. Sadly, we even understand the condemnation by those who don't get it. I'm praying for you and the kids.