Sunday, January 29, 2012


Totally unexpected.

We never saw it coming at all.

We are still scratching our heads to figure out what it was about.

Christina was cleaning and organizing the cupboard in James' room. It holds the kids art supplies and school books and can't seem to stay orderly for more than three days at a time. There's an old 13 inch TV in there. Old as in maybe 40 years old and weighs a ton for it's size. It's the only one we have. I have kept it because it is hooked up to an old vhs machine and we have couple old home movies. One is of our wedding. The other is of the girls when they were small.  There's quite a few good clips of when Christina was about 2 years old on that second one.

As Christina was cleaning she popped this vhs in to pass the time. The twins were drawn in right away. They've watched it before, but it's so funny to see those big girls so little. There's a part where Steve wrestles with the girls on the floor. There's a part where he reads them a story. There's the part where we sang songs together around the piano....

And that's when the tears began to flow.  

I think the simple music broke the dam that was holding back a lot of emotion. Heartbroken, sad, and maybe even a little confused at the powerful feelings... James cried his sorrow out on my shoulder.

It's so absolutely distressing that this boy of nearly 8 cannot explain why he is crying. All his thoughts are captive secrets. All we know is that watching our family interacting years ago on that small screen  before he was even born triggered a lot of feelings. Maybe he doesn't understand that he wasn't born yet. He just definitely recognized that he wasn't there. He's missing from the action. Maybe he wants his dad to roughhouse with him more like he saw in the video. Maybe he wants to be little again. Maybe we'll never know.

As for Missy, she only wanted to know "when we got Christina".  As in, how old was she when the social worker dropped her off at the door?

Life isn't very fair, is it?


aMandalin Rochele said...

My family just adopted a little boy as well. :) My Mom is a trooper...we don't quite understand everything that goes on in his head. :) You should visit her blog! It's

God Bless,

Kelly said...

Bless his sweet heart. Brings tears to my eyes to even think about what was going through his mind and heart to cause his sorrow. So glad he has you.

Jennifer P said...

SO much they missed. My 12 year old still has many a cry and cannot explain which makes her cry all the harder. All that pent up pre-verbal feeling is hard to watch as it bubbles up in our so-loved kids. Maybe we'll never know but I would wish we could get just a glimpse of the "why". Thanks for sharing.

Shonni said...

Wow. So much in their little hearts, huh. Praying for you all!

Annie said...

I know you pray for bonding, and God is faithful to answer prayer. Praise God that James cried on your shoulder. Some kids run away with their grief, just as people run away from God. This is encouraging that James is running TO you not FROM you.

Annie said...

Took all of 2 minutes to browse the blog suggested above and thought you'd appreciate this :-)

What I've done: The usual chores, also since I opened some presents, paper, boxes and stuff we brought in from the car was everywhere. I read with kids, took care of chickens, fed the wild birds, and set up schoolwork. Attempted to teach Miko. He has something connecting his feet to his brains. When he needs to think he jerks his legs. I had him reading words with EE and EA in the middle. With every word he'd jerk his leg out. It was so funny looking I couldn't contain myself. I nodded to Mandy who burst out laughing, Mandy and I laughing caused Mi to laugh at us, then Em at us, and Isaac at us all. Oh my, If laughter is medicine we should all be in great health. However, I wasn't laughing a few minutes later when we were adding sums using the abacus. He had 10 problems and did the first 6 great. He lost it however on number 7. It was a simple 2 +2= . He knew the answer but he had checked out. I've learned that his attention runs on some kind of internal battery that only last so long and then, poof, he's gone. He had left and I couldn't get him to figure 2 and 2. I took 2 pencils and gave them to him. I took 2 more then put them together. This was the scene:
Mom: How many is 2 and 2?
Mi: "Ten?" he asked.
Mom: Count the pencils!!!!!
He counted, 1, 2, 3. "It's three."
Mom; Did you count them all?
Mi; "yes",
Mom; count them again.
Mi; 1,2,3! It's three!.
ARGGG. I sent him away to his room, when he's done, he's done. you may as well just stop.

~Melissa said...

Angela, Funny I never connected this before. My nephew does this. He's almost 18, very bright, and very well adjusted, but something in him hurts. He will for no reason (it seems) just burst into tears and he will cry, he will walk it away, he will let you hold him, but he won't talk about it... the entire family wonders what it is about. The only guess is his Dad is not in his life. I'd share the details, but not here. We think he just misses what he wishes he had, but doesn't. He's usually fine once it is all out, but it is weird, I've not seen that often, where kids cannot express the deep pains they carry inside. He'll discuss day to day stuff, but not why he hurts.

La Tea Dah said...

I believe you've had some kind of break-through, Angela. Although it is sad and tough, something about the visual of the video touched something that he has shut off and blocked out before. Remember how Smalley and Trent talk about creating word pictures that reach to the heart rather than just the head? It's kind of what has happened here. As James is able to handle it, I think it would be helpful for him to watch the video again and again. In some kind of way I believe it is bonding him to his family. Emotions are deep -- and although tears can really wreak havoc on a parent's heart, they also help us to resolve things in our lives and move on to wholeness. I'm praying for your kiddos. Although it might sound strange to say, I am very thankful that you were able to reach to this emotional depth in James. God is at work!