Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Changing the Wording...

Thanks to all who sent encouragement and promises. I have some all alone time this morning where I am going over those promises and presenting them to God. I ask Him to honor them.

After Dad's comment about not talking of failure, I am changing all the wording of this post.

I did blow it this morning.

It's been rough.

Kiddo has tried me to the core. All that stubbornness he had towards school last week he poured into balking at one single, solitary chore I asked him to do in place of feeding the dog yesterday. He literally laid on the cold ground outside and refused to move ALL day.

He would not budge in his refusal.

Nothing. No entreaty, no patience, no kindness, no firmness, no pleading, no ultimatums would move him.

ALL day.

Steve came home at 6 and took him up the mountain for a father-son- hike -your-nasty-attitude-out exercise.

The kid ran away,

In the pitch dark on the mountain despite his fear of cougar and coyote.

He lost his way down the ridge and ended up in the orchards in the valley. He was never truly lost as far as that goes. He knows the area well and even in the dark, there are definite markers to turn you around if you miss the first few  - but as far as we were concerned we lost him. What if he went the wrong way and over the steep part and hit his head or something? And, the animals are no joke, either. Flashlights are puny in the dark on this mountain.

Vanessa found him.

Steve took him up again, because since running away was wrong and scary he needed to walk with dad and come home with a new attitude.

Eventually he did.

BUT he then refused to sleep. He was practically propping his eye lids open but he would not give in.
I got on my knees beside him and tried to connect in some way. Trying to talk to him is difficult. His words have no meaning. They are a set of words that he uses in a ceaseless round of confusion. It's very difficult to get to the heart of the matter. Impossible, actually.

He uses no feeling words. It takes him a full minute to say the word "because" and then you wait a full minute for him to say "I don't want to".... "Because".... "I not obey".  "Yes", "No" is used interchangeably depending how you state the question.  Very frustrating when you just want to know what is going on in his head and to find out if there is anything you can do about it.

This morning he was a bear, of course.

And I had had it.

And that's when I began to steam.  I probably would make a pretty mean sergeant in the army.

And suddenly, he had enough of my ordering and commanding him through his routine and he decided to sweeten up.

Just like that.

Both kids were late to school.


Anonymous said...

In that case I will absolutely be praying for you. Keep holding on to Jesus. His strength is there for you. Don't let go of God's promises.

"God is faithful, who hath promised." -SSW April 1, 1886,

"Man’s extremity is God’s opportunity." -SR p. 293

"All his biddings are enablings."
-RH November 9, 1897

"He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. . .But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." -Isaiah 40:29,31

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." -Philipians 4:13

"The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

GB's Mom said...

It is a very difficult thing to do, even with God's help. It requires a complete paradigm shift. I have been working so hard on it and I fail so often. I get up and try again. I believe this is what God asks of us. {{{Hugs}}}

Kelly said...

No you are not failing if you recognize your "failure" and are trying to "love better". I wrote about that on my blog one time, you may remember.

We are not perfect and our love is not perfect. Hang in there. God is with you and when you fail He will come through for you, even if it is in asking your children for forgiveness. There are days we can't do anything but take good care of them and fake it a bit. Not that we don't love them on those days but it is hard to express our unconditional love we do have for them when we want to pinch their little heads off. LOL

No matter how you look at it, it is hard to love a child who lies, sneaks, manipulates and doesn't love us with the loyalty that children typically love their parents with. Some days it has to be enough that we want the best for them and will help them achieve that. We both know that deep down in our soul we love our children and would give our life for them if it came to that. THAT is unconditional love and it is enough even if it doesn't look lovely some days or if it is super hard to express it, it's still there.

You are an amazing mom and one reason you are so amazing is you want to love them even more and even better than you already do...which is going to be hard to do. Give yourself a break. ((hugs))

Summer said...

"A soft answer turns away wrath." This was my verse for today...

Also, the Lord is teaching me a lot about choices. Our children, each of them, get to make choices every moment of every day. Either good or bad. Its their choice and we are NO responsible for which one they choose.

Ahhhh, I do feel for you, my friend.

May the peace of God fill you today.


Anonymous said...

Nobody fails absolutely. We only feel like we are failing in the absolute sense. We are not to think of failure, much less talk about it. Talk of the possibilities by God's power. He'll honor that. Dad

Jenny said...

I will be praying for you. I agree with what Kelly said. I need her post for encouragement as well. We are struggling her also.
I am excited because Bruce Perry is going to be speaking within driving distance from me. I am planning to attend. I am really struggling with the different kind of parenting also. It makes raising our birth children seem so easy. Hugs and prayers..

Anonymous said...

Here's what I see: Your twins live in a different world than you do. Even when their words sound like the same words that you use, the meanings are not the same. For example, what you mean by "obey" is something very different for them. A lot of what they do is "parrot" back your words with little understanding of what those words mean. That is immensely frustrating for all involved. Coming from the place of parenting a son with FASD, I can relate to your frustration and lack of sense of how to proceed. Forty plus years ago, there was no infomation and not even a diagnosis. I know that you will make more progress than I did. But from what I read now, FASD kids will be FASD adults. Sorry to sound so gloomy, but I wish I had someone to give me perspective when I struggled alone all those many years ago.

Acceptance with Joy said...

just for the record. We aren't dealing with FASD. RAD is more like it.

Oh, I know they say words with no meaning.

This is very true.

Anonymous said...

I thought of you today when I read this blog (http://www.glynniswhitwer.com). The first part is about decluttering, so scroll down to the section called She Stands Alone to read what she says about their adoption story. Courage to you in your...melinda

Acceptance with Joy said...

Thank you! VERY much appreciated!!

Anonymous said...

Weeping endures for a season, but joy cometh by and by. In your situation, it is very important not to walk by sight. I can't imagine when you'll really to give a shout of lasting victory, but you can walk by faith. With God all things are possible. Miracles still happen. The dead are still raised to life, cancer is still being healed for some. Don't be discouraged, anticipate God's blessing. Eternal realities are more encouraging than present realities. Dad

waldenbunch said...

Do you have a therapist? Is that something you would try? I know we couldn't have made it without ours. She is a godly Christian woman who speaks the truth yet she knows first hand how frustrating and exhausting it all is. She has given both the kids and us as parents tools to help live together. My kids have immense trouble expressing themselves and it can try my patience beyond exasperation to wait for them to express it clearly. No one is a failure who takes it to God daily. He can redeem the crumbs of our lives for His glory.

Mama in Uganda said...

I am going to have to agree with your dad in this one!!!

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Haven't popped over here for awhile, but have been reading your last weeks worth of post.

Oh. So. Right. There. With. You.

So sad.

So hard.

So sorry.

My Little Miss ran away when we were up at Mt. Baker last summer. Thankfully, big brother found her before it got dark.

So glad that your husband took him right back up the mountain ... to make him do it right. Good job.

Refusing to sleep. Oh yes. Happens here, as well.

Stay strong. Keep seeking the One who can give us wisdom on this most difficult journey.

Laurel :)