We've had a busy, but calm two days.... Well, I say that having just finished putting both the tw*ns to bed and them missing out on going to Prayer Meeting. They wanted to go in the worst way, but neither one of them wanted to go potty before we left and when I quietly directed them to the toilet they burst into disrespectful talk and wild crying. That was the end of all chances of going out tonight. How very sad. I showered them both to calm them, dressed them in pajamas and held them. I gave them a choice of stopping the crying and having a story, or continuing their wailings and going straight to bed. Thankfully, they chose a story. The rest of the family left.
There is a real fear of being left behind, or alone. I'm constantly reassuring them that I will not leave them alone. They go with me or dad or I stay home with them. They are terrified of being left.
Last evening we went to the first part of a concert. Vanessa was playing her harp in the high school chamber orchestra. Even though she is homeschooled, she is invited to participate in the music program and she really enjoys it. Their chamber orchestra had participated in adjudications earlier in the day and they were rated SUPERIOR PLUS! Anyway, enough of the bragging, I'm getting back to the tw*ns. They really loved going and seeing Vanessa up on stage and they enjoy the music. We only stayed for the first 4 songs. It was just enough to peak an interest and not long enough to bore.
I direct a children's choir and a youth choir, and normally my husband is home to take care of the tw*ns, but today there was an orientation for Running Start (college for high schoolers paid by the government) and so I had him take Vanessa and I had to take the kiddos to choir. They were mesmerized! They sat in one spot without fidgeting the whole time. Choir was a little odd today because Vanessa is our pianist and since she was gone I had to play the accompaniment. . . Anyway, we are exposing the kids to new things all the time. They even had a visit to the orthodontist today to see one of the girls have her adjustment.
Today we completely enrolled in speech and occupational therapy at the little school down the road. The people there are VERY nice and I think this is going to be a good thing. We even ran into the principle who is a good friend of ours (also adopting ).
Potty training is still a challenge. They fight going in the bathroom, however, they will poop in the toilet now.... but they still poop a constant trickle in their pants.Today he was pretty good about going in and going pee on his own and she fought it every single time. She gets discouraged because she can't be successful about keeping her panties clean. I put them in diapers to go to choir and she cried in shame, but I knew I could not be taking them down to the restroom for two solid hours so she had to wear it. If anybody has some tips on training older kids please share. I've worn out my stash of tricks.
One thing that she does that is a little tiring - but I understand it, - is she tries to control everything that she possibly can. Just little stuff like - in the morning she will tell me "Tonight I take a bath". Come evening she says, "Tonight I take a bath. Morrow I take a shower".
In the morning she will insist on taking a shower. Or like last night.
"Morrow I have waffles breakfast."
I said, "I'm not promising anything."
In the morning she wakes up and says "Breakfast I have waffles."
I responded with, "Well, I don't have any (could have made them from scratch, but I'm in charge of my mornings) and so I think we are having hot cereal and shake."
Her, "WHY!"
Me, "I told you I don't have any waffles."
Her in an accusing tone, "My grandma (fostermom) have waffles."
Me, "That's nice. Are you having breakfast with Grandma this morning?"
Her, "Uh, no."
She ate her cereal.
She decides what she will wear "morrow" and eat and how she will bath and if she'll go for a hike or ride her bike. All for naught . . . I give her choices on the spur of the moment; lots of them, and I try to tell her everything I know about how the day is planned out before she tells me her plan.
I'm having more success with time-outs now that they are learning to follow my direction. If they sit quietly and behave the time-out is short. If they cry and scream and lose control it lasts until they calm down and sit quietly and behave. It's finally sinking in. Steve was not able to go to work all week because of his back and it was helpful to have him around to back me up all the time, every time.
Little guy has not been grouchy since Monday afternoon. Whew! Oh, and he's actually getting it that I don't want his fingers in his mouth or his coat collar all chewed up. He needs reminding, but he's learning.
Little Missy's hard, bloated belly is gone. She doesn't have that pot-belly look anymore, but she's a bottomless pit. I have to tell her when she's had enough. Her brother doesn't eat half what she puts away.
4 comments:
Have you been to my house? Are you talking about my two kids? Seriously. The control stuff is Beth and she still does this 17 months later. It is some better because when she starts making plans I reminder her that I will take good care of her and I make all the plans. I refuse to talk to her about her plans.
The putting his hands in his mouth is Nate and he still does this all the time 17 months later.
I do the same thing with time-out. I refuse to set the timer until they are calm and quiet. Been doing it the same way for 17 months and they still have to be reminded. Nate screamed and raged in time-out for over 30 min. the other day until I reminded him that the timer won't be started until he sits quietly. He immediately calmed down, like turning a switch off.
Beth is my pig and will eat anything, while Nate doesn't eat all that much and is very picky but Beth takes F O R E V E R to eat.
Glad to hear little guy hasn't been grouchy!
How old are your two?
Hello,
I have only recently come across your blog and I am enjoying hearing about your time with the twins.
You said that your little girl is upset about soiling herself and having no control over it. I wondered if maybe you could put liners in their pants to catch it and just change that, so their underwear will last longer, also it won't have the stigma of a diaper. Maybe something like a small incontinence pad or a sanitary pad. They actually make kids underwear that designed to catch small accidents, but they are rather expensive, here's the link:
http://www.pshealthcare.co.uk/incontinence/index.asp?section=upsey_daisy_childrens_incontinence_13
For the anxiety over being left. I have heard of people going "away" to a different room in the house for a certain time, say 5 min, and giving the child a time and coming back exactly when they said. Then moving on to out side the front door or across the street doing the same thing.
My friend had some success with buying a little family of soft toys. Little Mummy, little day, little boy and little girl. When Mummy went away, she would take the little boy and little girl with her to "remind" her of her girl and boy. The real girl and boy kept Little Mummy with them for the same reason.
Good Luck, I hope some of that is helpful. I think you a doing a great job anyway.
Love Claire
The description of your twins regarding the food, control and fingers in mouth are very similar to the descriptions of the twins we are getting and they are 8. One will eat anything and one won't eat much. One is very very controlling and the other keeps her fingers in her mouth. It goes along with what Kelly said about her kids also. I haven't met them yet, but based on the bios this is what I expect to happen. We have borrowed Parenting the Hurt Child by Keck and Kupecky. It has some helpful ideas about some of these issues. They have an earlier book also, something about Adopting the Hurt Child. They are very similar. I am reading one and my husband is reading the other.
sounds like Clair had been through this before! Great ideas there. As for the food/control issue that is a huge one here especially with Calvin and I constatnly have discussions with him about not being in charge. I have found that the easiest thing to do is to remove the choices or limit them to 2, this or that, those are your only options. We also have the same thing for breakfast on the same day, monday is oatemal, tuesday toast and yogurt, etc. It helps to start the say off easier and there is less complaining because they already know what to expect. Kids who have been neglected have a hard time regulating their food intake, mine still do. We work on it all the time and talk about whether you are actually still hungry or just feel like eating more. They are still a little young for that though, I ouwld stick with a strict rountine of 3 meals and 2 snacks, talk to them aobut the amounts and when the next meal is coming because part of why she is eating so much may be because she is afraid ( deep down inside) that there may not be more food.
The toilet training will take a long time, I would suggest that you do not put them back into diapers for any reason, pack extra clothes, stay home, whatever it takes unitl they get confident enough. It took about 12 weeks to get Fudge to be dry and even then I was setting my watch so that he went to the bathroom every hour on the hour. No comments, no arguing go and when you stay dry then I will stop making you go all the time. It worked, he started to get the message but to this day he waits until he is about to explode before he shouts that he has to go and then runs for the loo, he usually makes it.
The poop is a whole different issue because they are a whole lot less in control of that. Put a stack of clean undies in the bathroom, teach them to wash them out/stain remover or whatever and clean themselves up and move on. Do not comment, do not shame, do not consequence them ( I made all those mistakes before I learned that he was not really completely in control)just teach them to deal and move on. I never found that rewards worked with my boys, it was to hard to be successful and so they just stopped caring. We have a bathroom schedule for Calvin, he sits am and pm again no questions, he used to have to sit for 10 minutes a number of times per day but now that we are getting somewhere it is only 2 times per day. He reads a book.
The only time a consquence is given to Calvinis if the poop ends up anywhere else, this has not happened for a long time but he used to smear it on things, then he would be in trouble but if it is just in his undies then he cleans it up and moves on. Good Luck
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