I'm going to put out a couple of scenarios and then I'm going to ask my readers to
#1. Tell me why they think these kids do this
and
#2. How the parent should handle the situation.
1st scenario
I bought a little something for Buster. It's a little workbook that's really easy and will help him feel very successful. It's bright and fun. I left in in the bag on the table beside my purse along with the stack of mail. I told him I had something for him and he was dying to see it, but I wanted him to have lunch first, so he had to wait which he accepted, but I could see he was itching to see what the thing was.
Right after lunch I sat on the couch and told Buster to go get the plastic bag on the table. He walked past the bag and pretended he couldn't see anything on the table at all. I was thinking, oh dear... maybe now is not a good time for this. If there's an attitude happening "school" work stuff is the last place we need to go.
I said, "Buster, I need you to bring me the plastic bag.
It's right beside my purse.
It's right beside my purse.
Please bring it to me,
or, if you choose not to, just go right outside to play."
or, if you choose not to, just go right outside to play."
He ran straight to my purse, put his hand on the plastic bag
and. then. stopped.
grabbed two letters and came and handed them to me.
and. then. stopped.
grabbed two letters and came and handed them to me.
I said, "Buster, what did I ask for?"
"A plastic bag."
"What did you bring me", I probed?
"Some mail".
"Right. Go play outside."
And the world erupted into wailing.
The end of scenario #1.
2nd Scenario
It was time to get dressed. Missy was in a hurry to get to breakfast (I wonder why?!!) but it was time to get dressed, so she wanted to know what she should wear. I told her something nice for speech class. She wanted me to be specific, so I said, "The yellow dress with the blue flowers, would be good".
And she added, "With white tights?"
"Sure, white tights would be fine."
She wants to stand around and talk about it but I shoo her off to her room.
A bit later she emerges with ~~
not a yellow play dress with blue flowers,
but a brown church dress with butterflies and no sleeves.
"Please, sweety, you can't wear that dress.
That is a church dress, and anyway, we agreed on the new yellow dress."
She huffs back to her room, and, to her credit she hangs the brown dress on a hanger, and sits on the bed to put on her tights. I managed a moment to see how she was doing.
I see THE LOOK... I know where this is headed, but I ask anyway...
"Where's your yellow dress?"
"It's in the closet."
"Ummm, actually, no, I don't see it there."
"It's right there, pointing to a red one."
"Missy, where's your yellow dress?"
"I don't know... ad nauseum....
I turn to walk out of the room.
She very purposefully looks in the direction of the dress laying on a chair...
"Is that the one you want me to wear?"
Me: "You knew all along where it was didn't you?"
Her: "YES"
I kneel on the carpet and ask for a load of patience
"And please God, would you hurry?!!"
End of Scenario #2
Only two of a million scenes today... and I am wondering...
What are they doing this for?
What does it mean?
And am I doing something wrong here??
How should I respond?
10 comments:
I don't know the answer. I am trying to figure it out also. I am anxious to hear reader comments.
Well from what you have shared about Missy that just seems to be her M.O. to push buttons for entertainment sake. LOL! With Buster it almost sounds like he was afraid to get something new so he just messed it up. Fear and shame of getting something nice or fear of getting something new that he might like alot and then lose due to negative behavior. Just my back seat driver thoughts. ~Smile~
My goodness, Ange, how long can you stand playing such games? It's a good thing for the kids that it's you and not me . . . and not your mother. They'd never forget what a yellow dress and a plastic bag looks like from then on out. I pray for you all the time and thank God He doesn't put through that kind of trial. I'd die. Or they would. Dad
They have a “groove” in their brain that causes them to challenge any commands they receive. You are seeking to undue a six year habit. Every time they respond with disobedience, that habit strengthens. Now, how to reverse that process? Maybe it would be helpful to present them with choices i.e. “Would you like to see what’s in the plastic bag or would you like to go out to play?” That will avoid the opportunity for that “you’re not the boss of me” groove to deepen. As EGW counsels, “This is a crisis that should seldom be permitted to come, for both mother and child will have a hard struggle. Great care should be shown to avoid such an issue.” CG 211
By the way, you’re doing a great job! You’re at a great disadvantage by not being permitted to utilize the “rod” of correction. My prayers are with you.
From what I have read from your earlier posts, they may not be comfortable in being right. Seems as if they have been wrong for so long it is what they know. It makes them feel safe. It takes a long time to undo something that is a habit and even longer for it to stick. They are learning so much for the first and so many things at once. Or perhaps they are making sure this time somebody really does care for them and will stick around no matter what they do ( good or bad).
Try to focus on the good things they do, point them out make a big deal. Pay little attention to bad things they do, maybe with a lot of postive praise, the bad negitive habits will fade away.
You are doing a good job and they both very lucky to have you.
Remember they are kids that have been through the wringer. Sending many thoughts of patience to you and your family.
Both of these things could be Beth at any moment. No kidding. I don't understand either. I wish there was a secret formula for this. You are doing a great job with these kids and I have no suggestions.
I am trying to super praise the positive stuff Beth does and simply mention the negatives (if I mention it at all). I can't see a difference yet so can't suggest it.:)
Today, she cut a large hole in her pants at school with her scissors, because she wanted to. Then came home and sat on the side of the trampoline and tore the foam padding off one of the poles, because she wanted to. UGH
I can tell you one thing, I could never tell her what she is suppose to wear and expect her to get remotely close to picking what I told her to out of her closet. That is a huge joke.
Just keep on keeping on. Your doing all you can do.
It looks like they are testing you. They have been through a lot in their young lives. To me is sound like they are testing if it is safe to make mistakes. Any child will test some but a child who has experenced reject have a harder time trusting amd it takes more time before they feel like they aren't going to be sent away for being bad.
Scene one: My initial thoughts are that Buster is not used to having things given to him and he does not feel worthy. His 'game' of not being able to figure out what you wanted him to bring over to you was his way of letting you know that he was excited but a little overwhelmed that you might have brought something home just for him. Insecurity mixed with a little bit of testing to make sure you really do care for him.
Now off to read scenario #2.
PS: It is a lot easier to analyze from a distance...I haven't read any of the other responses...I might change my mind after I read what others say.
Scenario #2: A willful little girl who is testing you all the way. She is still not willing to completely trust you, so she isn't allowing you to be in charge. She feels like she would be emotionally naked and bare if she gave up complete control to someone else. Since she has not had anyone to trust in her life until now, she is still testing the waters and isn't sure if she really wants to trust or not.
It's called yanking your chain. I agree with La Tea Dah about the motivation behind Buster's behavior with the plastic bag. He may also have thought that whatever you wanted him to do might be too difficult for him so he avoided failure by refusing to even try.
The second scenario? Who knows? probably more chain yanking to see your reaction.
Fortunately, my kids don't play these games. The only thing remotely like what you describe is when son #1 refuses to answer questions because he "doesn't feel like talking." He's probably hoping I'll freak out and start yelling but I don't play that game. plus, I cut him some slack because he's a hard working college student with a 4.0 average and a part time job. Plus, he's a really great kid 99.98 percent of the time.
None of us like being controlled and told what to do. Some of us fight it more than others. I say if nobody's life in in danger just let it go. The less of a reaction they get the less inclined they'll be to play mind games with you.
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