Friday, March 22, 2013

One Flash of Temper and Life Could be Over

I don't know where my post went... It just disappeared. It even had a comment on it. How does that happen? I don't have time to write it properly now, but here's the gist ...

I took the twins out of school early and took them to the hospital for PT/OT evaluations. James had already done his PT on Tuesday and passed with flying colors.

Missy needs a little PT to build up core strength, and it was suggested she do more swimming, (her favorite) but she did very well in OT. James needs some OT. They are so opposite of each other.

Steve was working and he took his lunch time with us and he bought the kids something to eat at the cafeteria. All was happy.

James had quite a few dollars saved up from his eggs so I chatted with him about how his business was going as we drove to the bank to make a deposit. All was happy.

I parked across the street from the bank and we unbuckled to get out. James asked me if he could take the piece of foam given him for strengthening his hands at therapy into the bank. I told him we were just going to be a minute and that he should leave it in the van. I was totally oblivious as I talked about how we would not be as long as last time (when we opened his bank account). I walked around the front of the van to help with the door only to see James running straight into traffic. It's all a blur to me, but at least one car had to swerve...

I YELLED at him to stop!  I hollered at him to come back at once and explain what in the world he was thinking. He refused to speak to me or look me in the eye. I thought maybe I was coming on a bit too strong in my fright. I toned it down and asked him to tell me why he had done that. It took a long. long time but I was so shocked to find that he was angry with me. I had had no clue. I had told him he couldn't take the piece of foam into the bank he  he instantly flared up and ran into the traffic to make his point.

He got the "Stupider than stupid" lecture. So helpful, I know.... :-/ ! I let him know what I thought of his attempting to get himself hit by a car and smashed up to prove how horrible of a mother I am to so  thoughtlessly say no to a stupid 2 inch piece of sponge.

I was DEVASTATED.

Exasperated!

I decided to forgo the bank deposit. I was a shaking mess. Children and traffic are among my worse fear. I watched my sister get run over by a car once. She lived to tell about it, but it was a traumatic event none-the-less.

As I calmed I told James he has one hope. He needs Jesus. As I see it he hasn't long to live. All it would take is one instantaneous flair of temper to throw him in dangers' path and life would be over . . .

I made him hold my hand after that.

Steve and I talked...Steve agreed that it could be true. He might not have long to live. Ultimately we cannot take the responsibility  of his choices upon ourselves. We cannot save him from horrible, life threatening, split-second decisions made in a fit of temper no matter how hard we try, at least, not without making him a prisoner. Steve's comment was that our success in raising these children is not determined by how they turn out, but by how we react, treat and care for them. We don't have any other control.

I woke up at 4 AM thinking about this. I prayed for grace and strength to carry on... even when it seems so futile and I despair of getting through to him. Words are useless, but it came to me that God's Word is all powerful and could save him.  I decided that Bible memorization is our one powerful tool towards the restoration of his broken mind.

On a much happier note, James brought home two math papers from school. One was 100% correct and the other had 11 out of 12 correct. This is a first. I know that it is because I have been working so hard with him on math, but my joy was tempered by the fact that, in an instant, it could all be for naught. One flash of temper and life could be over for him.  And that's sobering.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your words touched me strongly this morning. I could say more. I could tell a long story. But, in the end, what matters is that we are not alone in our journey.

Emily said...

How utterly terrifying!!! I have no words. Just how terrifying for you. =(

momof4boys said...

Tell Him about Aunty Julie

Anonymous said...

wow, I am so thankful the little man wasn't hit!! Please tell him our family would be so heart broken if he had been killed! How does he feel about what happened? Has he been able to work through it with you and understand what he had been led to do by his thoughts?
Lately I've been pondering faith in action and Christ in us, the hope of glory. Do we have faithfulness, self-control, righteousness, steadfastness in and of ourselves ultimately? No! It is all Christ's doing. So I believe Christ can live out a perfect and healed mind through that little boy/young adult man, by faith. Until James is able to enter into this faith experience for himself more fully I trust that his guardian angels will continue to protect him like they did this week as he continues to grow, learn and heal and continue to use you as parents to demonstrate that faith to your son. May he continue to grow in grace and strength - he has so much already! May God also heal your hurt and shock and comfort you with His presence this Sabbath. May you be filled with hope! Love you all dearly, Antionette

Mama Ds Dozen said...

"our success in raising these children is not determined by how they turn out, but by how we react, treat and care for them. We don't have any other control."

Powerful words.

Oh. So. True.

So sorry for what James is going through, but so thankful that the Lord chose you to be his Mama. You are truly doing a wonderful job with all of the young ones that the Lord brings through your door (and, of course, your older girls as well).

Hugs!

Laurel :)

Oldqueen44 said...

Wow,
What truth!
Split decisions can have far reaching consequences. It pays to know God and seek direction from His word. I wonder how many times I have pulled a "James" and put myself in harms way because of my own self centered thinking. I will have to think about this and apply this to myself.

Sory you had to have such a frightful adrenalin rush.

Anonymous said...

You know there is something you should do. You should talk to a psychiatrist. Well it doesn't work for everyone there are medications that could help stabilize him.

acceptance with joy said...

I have talked to a psychiatrist ... he was was anything but helpful!

Sophie said...

Wow. What is it with these boys and running into traffic? Wow! Such truth in this post. We are in the exact same place. So sad but so true. I hope and pray for both of our boys that they find Jesus before it is too late. Wow. So sorry. I understand first hand all the emotions you are dealing with and it is exhausting and discouraging to say the least. Glad he is okay.