Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Fury Unleashed

Happening right now.

It's unbelievable.  While my insides quiver and tears threaten to spill from the intense emotions.... I give not an outward sign that it fazes me in the least. I can't. It's survival.

The screaming, stomping, spitting in my face, attempts to break windows, slamming of doors and bench lids, of being called stupid, blaming, and the works.... all happening while I sit here and pretend not to hear or see. She's everywhere. She is, of course, all I can see or hear.

Eventually she sees it isn't working and escalates it enough that I remove her from the house. She can tantrum on the porch. I tell her it is enough. I tell her I am sorry for her. I tell her I love her.

But apparently it isn't enough. She screams that she hates me.

Why this tornado? She was playing chicken with the bus again.... and she lost,  second morning in a row.

Yesterday saw her running behind the bus screaming but it would not stop.

Today she  did not even make it that far. She was looking to push buttons and I refused to acknowledge the nonsense. She did her chores backwards, or tried to get away with not doing them at all. She sat and watched the world go by all the while looking for a reaction. She got none. I can imagine how frustrating that would be.

The fury is beginning to fade. I think I'll go take a shower and get ready to walk to school.


The storm abated and I asked her to come in. She laid down and did nothing as she was thoroughly exhausted. Suddenly after half an hour she popped up and asked for breakfast. From there she moved through her chores and got ready to walk with me to school. She had nothing to say about anything.

I prayed over her and we walked/ran the nearly 3 miles to school. I can't say I was able to connect with her on any kind of heart level.  We said our "love yous' at the school door. I took a second to remind her that she had said she hated me just a while before. I asked her what she really wished she had said. She responded with, "I love you."


Mama Ds Dozen said...

Oh the memories this brings back . . . of the near daily rages with our Little Miss.

Only the Lord can keep us Mamas calm, while our precious children rage. Only the Lord could keep my emotions in check last spring as my daughter glared at me coldly and said, "Sometimes I want to kill you." . . . and she meant every word of it.

Stay strong, Mama. You are doing an amazing job in a most difficult of parenting situations. Keep holding onto HIM and HE will direct your paths.

Guess you are getting your exercise in. :) Thankful there is a little silver lining in the midst of the TOUGH stuff.

Hugs & Prayers,

Laurel :)

Mama Ds Dozen said...

LOVE the picture!

I want to take a photography class this spring, so that I can learn to use my nice camera to its fullest potential.

:) :) :)

~marci~ said...

And you had presence of mind enough to post a beautiful picture of the barn to distract you through the storm...way to go!

Emily said...

You're a good mom. You're doing great. You're exactly who she needs. *Hugs*

Oldqueen44 said...

Wow... What a challenge.
I can imagine a heart connection after that would be a little difficult. That would take a little time to sort the emotions. Praying for your little ones... and you.

Julie said...

First, I love the picture!! Seriously, I would love to sit on your porch in the early morning or in the evening and soak in the serenity.

Second, it breaks my heart that it is so hard for her and in turn for you. I so admire your wisdom and strength.

I am going to put my response to your new littles post here as well. Gut wrenching. I will be praying.