To Lay It Down

It's a full blown sickness and indeed I did get my nap today,

thanks to my hubby keeping the kids with him down at the garden

as he put a beautiful new sprinkling system in the greenhouse.

I had some energy first thing this morning.

I pruned the tomato plants and tied them up and hand watered.

James came and completely weeded the entire patch.

Which, was not really a big deal considering everything is mulched well,

but there were the odd sneaky weed here and there.

It was an exercise in actually seeing them, pinching them from the bottom to pull the rootlets,

sticking with the job and moving in a systematic way.

All things this kiddo needs.

All things most people take for granted.

Just SEEING the little weeds takes concentration for this little gaffer, 

you know.

I felt safe enough.

It's hard to confuse a 3 foot tomato plant for a weed.

He's quite impressed at the number big green tomatoes out there. 

He even managed to find the the one that I have been watching that is almost ripe.

I guess it will be his.

His working attitude was excellent

and completely opposite that of his attitude towards making his bed this morning.

He spent his play time "building" a sprinkler system with Steve's scraps.

He loves to tinker.

I don't know what Missy did all day

except that it is taking her more than 2 hours to make her bed, get dressed, drink water and feed the cats and rabbit.

EVERY MORNING.

Then she talks about swimming all day,

and if she "thinks" that it might not happen

even though no one has said anything to indicate that

she goes into a rage,

which of course,

seals it for her.

I don't pretend to understand what is going on with her.

I have NO clue.

She rarely chooses to obey of her own volition.

I have been training my face to be blank

when the screaming starts,

and to say nothing

as it seems her intent to involve me.

She would like to be bold and slap me

but she won't go that far.

Tonight she slapped the bed I was on so close to me I felt her nails on my skin.

I thank God she doesn't really want to hurt someone.

As for me, I want to draw away, rather than love on her.

I'm sick with a fever, after all.

All the manipulations that go on to get me to say or do or think in 

the direction she wants me to go

disgust me

BUT

I know she needs love modeled.

And so, while I didn't hold her because
I really am not up to dealing with sick kids on account of my own bugs,
I did my best to show forgiveness and a matter-of-factness.

No, she did not go swimming.

The RULE is NO tantrums regardless of how they start.
There are moments of sweetness.
Shocking kind acts.
Even thoughtful words.
So unexpected as cause me to stop and take notice and appreciate.
It will come.

I know.

I would like my blog to be something beautiful.

Something encouraging,

helpful and uplifting

but

as Christina wrote today

it's downright depressing.

We all have valleys in our lives where there are dark shadows.

And interestingly enough, 

these dark shadows are not actually mine.

They belong to the twins.

My job to get them on the path and into the sunshine of the mountaintops

however, I had to go into the valley to retrieve them

and since they don't know anything about the joy of the mountain air

they are resisting, hanging on to their fears, their burdens,

their insecurities, their habits, their anger,

and crouching down in the bog deep in the Slough of Despond

at the bottom of the deep, dark valley.

But my head doesn't need to be buried in the muck,

and I don't need be mired down with their burdens.

I know the Burden Bearer

and I can still breath celestial air.

Of course, it is so much easier to say when I have just come back from a 4 day spiritual retreat.

Even the therapist who works on my neck can't get over how much 

stress-relieving that was. 

All the muscles relaxed significantly.

There was an appeal made at the end of one of Mark Finley's sermons.

Mary felt an urge to go up.

The call was very specific

and I didn't feel it was for me,

but I went with her to encourage her,

and then,

he made another appeal

and this was for me.

To lay the burden - the big, heavy impossible thing - that I am grappling with

in Jesus arms

and let HIM

take care of it.

And I did. 

I put the twins and their future in Christ's arms.

It's not mine to stress over at all.

Probably, I have done that a hundred-

no, a thousand times already,

but it was important to me to do it again
and this time I hope not to take it back.

Prayerfully!