I have been reading a book called Give them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus. It's a lot heavier than the average parenting book and it is taking me awhile to get through it. I don't actually like to read the heavier books on my iphone - as I can't physically flip the pages and use a highlighter and go from back to front easily if I so choose, but I had no idea, of course, what it was like before I bought it for kindle. Worse yet, I can't even loan it out to my good friends to see if I can get some communication going on the topic. It has a good point to make and has gotten me thinking a lot about how I parent. I don't agree with everything par usual, but that's okay.
Basically the book teaches that as sinners we/ our children have been rendered incapable of keeping God's law on our own. We have no goodness of our own. Even our best behaviors are faulty and our motives are self centered. The only way we/the children can obey God is through Jesus' goodness that He imparts to us. Every step of our parenting should be done in the context of the Gospel. Present Jesus in such a way that they cannot help but fall in love with Him, and see each interaction is an opportunity to show them who He is, what He did for them , how He longs to have a relationship with them and how He CAN give them the grace to obey His law.
It was the answer to my quest which was a common thread of this blog - on how to present Jesus to the twins. Yes, the advice is very theological but somewhat practical, just don't expect it to be easy. There are a few but not many scenarios to glean from. I'm making the most of the real life examples of how it is done. A person must depend on the Holy Spirit to guide her words and actions and must be willing to be open with their kiddo about her own sin, how she falls short of obeying God and how He forgives her. Yes, and don't expect it to be easy when they look you right in the eye and defy your very existence. The flesh would like to take 'em down a notch or two in great haste, but that's not how the Spirit works. The child that is open susceptible to spiritual things will respond much more quickly to this approach than the little outfit who could care less... that child needs greater doses of grace, more of Jesus, and a lot of Christ's love and it might take awhile.
I'm trying to apply what I learn as I go. It takes some meditating on the life of Christ and prayer in order to turn around and have something to offer the kids. James responds incredibly.... though not every time. Sometimes he requires discipline in order for him to soften to the point of actually listening and wanting. The real test of the application is on Missy. She is hard and unwilling. She just wants what she wants, when she wants it. At times there's no point in talking - like last Sabbath at the picnic. Just holding her hand and physically keeping her in line and looking for possible moments to make a difference and show her Jesus is all you can do. There are days, like today, where she just gets my goat and I don't want to show her grace. I just wanted to fix her little red wagon!! I'm here to say, it didn't work out so well (the fixing of her little red wagon). She just went off into a screaming fit as though I'm the one who was at fault for her brazen disrespect. Truth is, I have no idea if a different approach would have ended any differently, but this I know: She needs a change of heart. She came around eventually, but not without losing her swimming and needing a strong and steady hand.
I heard from my friend who was at the picnic this morning; the one who said she didn't know if she had that kind of patience and thought she would give in to pity... I had no idea what she really was thinking about it all and I was sorry she had to endure Missy's naughtiness. Well, she called this morning. She said, "I watched you and I thought about it a lot. I thought I didn't have the patience to do what you did and stay the course, but I decided, though I am disciplining my children, I am not uprooting the cause of their disobedience. We keep going over the same ground. I keep thinking that I have LOTs of time to work with the kids on their characters, but I realize that now is the time."
The next day she put her thoughts into actions and worked with her children with new energy. And I have to wonder because she's got a very sweet and happy set of boy and girl. They are the prettiest children you ever laid eyes on, very personable and pleasant but with the slightest streak of independence. You never know what influence your actions may have, even if those watching have no clue what it's like to get to the heart of a child from the hard places.
12 comments:
Ok, I am not saying this as a criticism at all, just a different slant. I totally agree that we can do nothing without Christ and there is no way for us to be good without Him. However, I think focusing on the negative is not something that children can comprehend, especially children who have been through trauma. The message they are receiving is often, "I am bad." They don't have the mental processes yet to break it apart.
Would it be better to approach it from the standpoint of the power we have through Christ? Again, I don't know, but as an adult who was raised from the standpoint of the negative slant of Scripture and how bad I was, I struggle very much with my identity in Christ.
An interesting post, and a thoughtful response, above. It's interesting how we read things from the perspective of our own experience. I read your post within this context:
The only way we/the children can obey God is through Jesus' goodness that He imparts to us. Every step of our parenting should be done in the context of the Gospel. Present Jesus in such a way that they cannot help but fall in love with Him, and see each interaction is an opportunity to show them who He is, what He did for them , how He longs to have a relationship with them and how He CAN give them the grace to obey His law.
This seems very different to me that the author is reinforcing a positive, grace-filled experience here rather than a "you naughty child" sort of thing.
Lots to think about. Thanks for the post.
I am happy to discuss.... but it would be great to know who I am communicating with. Please?
I think the commentor thought the focus was on negatives. Perhaps I am poorly relaying the message. Teach your children to fall in love with Jesus, to see His goodness, to be excited about what He is willing to do for them, His forgiveness, His love, His power to give them grace/strength to overcome. That is the MAIN point I obviously inadequately relayed. This is all positive.
The practical part is to present the gospel story at every opportunity.
I disagree that children can't comprehend that they cannot obey on their own power. Think of how discouraging it is for a child to believe they can do it!! When over and over and over they fail.... Oh wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this body of death???? Isn't it better to tell them the truth that they can't/I can't. It almost feels like a relief. Jesus offers us power and grace and His very own goodness and He will do it through us. My goodness is as filthy rages at best. Basically, we are probably saying the same thing... You have power through Christ, only I'm letting you know that without that power you can't do it.
There is a lie which claims that a child's success in life is based on whether or not he feels that he is good. It comes from the self-esteem movement. Excessive praise begets children who crave being told "what a good boy/girl" they are and then they are enslaved to the opinions of others.
They should be told they are LOVED, precious, and irreplaceable, etc...!! But if they understand that they are loved by the Father and if they truly believe it, His love can transform them even though they are not innately good.
Having a NEED is an important step in coming to Jesus. You cannot want Christ's power if you don't know you need it.I think of a quote my dad drilled into my head when I was a kid - believe me when I say he drilled it :-) It was a good kind of drilling... "The proud heart strives to earn salvation; but both our title to heaven and our fitness for it are found in the righteousness of Christ. The Lord can do nothing towards the recovery of man until, convinced of his own weakness, and stripped of all self-sufficiency, he yields himself to the control of God. then he can receive the gift that God is waiting to bestow. From the soul that FEELS HIS NEED, nothing is withheld. Desire of Ages pg 300
Am I more clear? Do you still feel I'm coming from the wrong angle?
Will be looking for your response.
To my second anonymous commentor of the day. LOL.
YES, YES! That's what I was trying to say. Thanks for putting it in plain English :-)
I don't want to be relaying to my child....You are such a bad boy!! Not at all. When I see him doing something which he already knows is wrong then I can call him to recognize that Jesus can give him power to do differently. When he is being kind, sharing, obeying I want to recognize that also but I won't say, "Oh, what a good boy you are!" I am going to point him to Christ again and say, "Wow! isn't Jesus wonderful in that He gave you this great idea to do this kind thing for someone. Doesn't it make you happy to show Tommy kindness?"
Blessings...
You'll have names now, don't you?
Sorry, I was having blogger issues and it would only let me comment anonymously. I totally understand it how you are saying it now. Thank you both so much for graciously responding. It is definitely true that our perception is colored by the filter of our own experiences. I am thrilled to know that I misread what the author was saying!
Angela, I'm "anon" #2 --- I didn't want to say anything that might appear that I was pointing fingers at "anon" #1 --- because I was not. :D
I think the entire message of what the author seemed to be saying can be illustrated in the concept of "the new heart" experience. The goodness is what Jesus imparts and the role of the child (and parent or whomever, for we all need Jesus) is a willingness for Him to impart this gift. Our sinful nature (will) keeps stepping in front of receiving the gift. The child (and parent or whomever) simply needs to be willing for Jesus to give of His grace. Just like James and Missy --- we all get in the way of grace because of our need to control, which essentially is a lack of trust (but maybe we just hide it a bit better than the children do). At least they are honest instead of devious --- which gives Mom Angela a clear view into how they think so she can respond accordingly.
Good explanation in response to the "anon's", Angela. And blessings to Julie.
~ LaTeaDah ~ from Gracious Hospitality blog
This is awesome!
I would love to be part of the discussion--as I have, in a round about way {via our fb chats}.
The Lord has been heavily impressing upon my heart these same "issues."
How important it is to understand that without Christ our hearts are "desperately wicked."
Thanks for sharing and I look forward to more!
Blessings,
S
Thanks for stopping by my blog and following me. :) I think if I were to go back to the Scripture and apply what she is saying from the point of view that you have helped me see, it goes back to Romans 7 and Paul describing the battle between spirit and flesh. Loved this conversation. Again, thank you for being gracious.
This is great. So fun to actually "talk" about this instead of just thinking it in my head and on my little blog. I see the Lord leading me in my personal life in a way that probably could not have without the twins in our lives. I know it sounds a little negative on the blog sometimes - but the twins have been a blessing to our family.
Summer, you have really encouraged me in thinking in this direction. I will always be grateful.
LaDonna... had a thought that anon #2 was you :-) It just sounded like you. You have encouraged me also. I've been praying the prayer "make me willing to be willing" with the twins.
It seems I have so much to learn - much of it is taking what I have been taught and pulling it all together to make is practical enough to apply to the training of these kiddos. This second time around deal is so different then having bio kids. What worked with them has no groundwork in the twins for it to work.
Blessings
Angela, your comment "what worked with them has no groundwork in the twins for it to work" reminds me of two of my close friends who have followed in the same journey you are on. Their adopted children are now the ages of your older girls --- and are doing amazingly well. They are not without challenges --- their stories are so similar to your twins --- but if you could meet the children now, I think your heart would surge with hope. I think it is wonderful that you are are teaching them the dynamics of a Christian life. Being taught how to have a relationship with Jesus provides such victory for them.
Remember...if the twins aren't willing to pray the 'make me willing to be willing prayer' you can do it for them. . .intercede! I know you already do and have done so since the day you met them!
I hope tomorrow is a good day all around...
While having my grandson this week I identified with "I'll fix your little red wagon" scenario over and over, however I kept telling myself, God gives me such amazing grace with all my short comings, I better be wise about showing grace myself.
However I did get the cops called on me yesterday for one very loud screaming kid. Thankfully they showed me grace as well.
Oh the challenges!
Angela, your comment "what worked with them has no groundwork in the twins for it to work" also resonated with me. Although my trauma kids cling to the Hope and LIfe that Jesus promises, they cannot seem to comprehend the LOVE that he freely gives. I appreciate your reminder to: "I'm trying to apply what I learn as I go. It takes some meditating on the life of Christ and prayer in order to turn around and have something to offer the kids." How I need this wisdom right now. Wonderful discussion.
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