This Humoungus Job

It seems like every day is an experiment. Every day we pray and claim promises, work and talk and experiment with ways to bring and maintain a peace and joy in the lives of the twins. Every day is a new study to acquire  wisdom.

Teaching older kids the importance of obedience, how to love, to exercise self-control, etc... is NOTHING like nurturing through these lessons with a child from birth where love and a desire to please is a seed already sprouting in the heart. It requires an inordinate, incredible amount of diligent concentration, not to mention patience, to get through each each and every hour until they fall asleep, only to start again at the crack of dawn. Every action, motive, feeling, word, and even inborn instincts have to be checked, scrutinized, redirected, elevated and turned around.  Old ways and thoughts have to be replaced with new unselfish ones. It takes unflagging determination and tirelessness and yet anything we do will not bear fruit unless accompanied by the Spirit of God. When looking at the enormity of the task ahead I have been known to say, "I don't know if I have what it takes."  I have to remind myself that people have no idea when they minimize the stakes with good intention by saying, "oh, yes you do!"  Truth is, I don't. If I didn't have the strength that God offers me every day things would not be where they are. I might have been admitted to an insane asylum long ago. In my view, this is a life and death matter - an eternal life and death matter.

Every bit of progress, every step forward is occasion to celebrate in thankfulness to our Redeemer. Every advancement and breakthrough is also opportunity for relapse and huge disappointment. So long as we don't allow the adversary to discourage we can press forward again. A fact easier to write out than live.

Sometimes I have to go back and read posts from a year ago to remember where we came from. A year ago there was unending screaming, tantrums, raging, violence, swearing, beating of walls, smashing of dishes, and unearthly name calling for hours and hours and days on end. A year ago today I was complaining of exhaustion, of being at my wits end and of one pair of poopy pants after another all day with no progress and only regression.

We've had a few really good days. I discovered that if James is crying or falling to pieces the best thing is for him to get more sleep. Yesterday he spent a couple hours in bed in the middle of the day. He got up much more cheery than he went down. He was able to handle life again.  For Missy the thing that is working best right now is to keep her beside me all the time. It doesn't always work, though. Friday she was completely out of control. It was draining on both Steve and I. Eventually all we could do was put her to bed for the rest of the evening and night. She missed out on a fun time with company. Then next day I kept her by me. I did not even let her go to her class at church, nor up front for children's story. We spent the rest of the day canoeing and then in the evening we went to nearby town to hear a visiting speaker. Though James had a great time at the children's mtg there, Missy was confined to Steve's lap in the main hall. Sunday the girls and I provided music for a church and James enjoyed the Easter egg hunt while his sister stayed by me. She does not even question it anymore. She knows if she has very much freedom she goes out of control. Staying by us, even when it is hugely disappointing, is some security to her even if she doesn't know it.

I claim James 1:5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

The Wisdom I desire is this: James 3:17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am praying for relief from the pain in my neck and shoulders that I think is related to this stress... I've endured it for 2 whole months with hardly a let up. I have even more sympathy for Bri's pain than ever.