Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Choices; Lonely or Friendly

I'm on a roll this morning...

Was late dropping off Missy at school because a piano moving truck was sitting in the middle of our narrow road. The driver was on his phone. I waited and waited and waited.... Finally, I got out to talk to him and he up and drove away from me.

Came home and spilled a whole cup of carrot juice... down the counter and all over the floor.

Barely got that cleaned up when I realized the little man who wanted to play in the carrot juice had a diaper blow-out from half way up his back down to his knees.

Nice.

Missy didn't want to go to school today for the first time ever. She wanted to stay home and hold her chick, but she wasn't really verbalizing it. She was fussing about her lunch. I told her I could make her one if she really wanted me to, or she could let me pick her up early during the lunch time and she could eat with us in town before her speech appointment at the hospital. Of course, she would rather eat with us but she was crying and crying as she said so.  Finally, I asked what all the tears were about and she  said she really wanted to hold her chick.

Sunday afternoon had not gone very well for her. She was refusing to do anything asked of her.  When the easy job that she was suppose to do (lining up the shoes in the closet, and picking up in the entryway ) was finished off by a big sister I asked her to pick up the stray branches in the orchard from pruning instead. She didn't want to. There were tantrums and the whole nine yards. I said she could only come in when the job was done. It should have taken 15 minutes, but hours later we were still in the orchard when it got too dark to see anymore.

I was calm towards her, BUT inside I was completely frustrated. She has been completely sabotaging my every effort to get close to her. I cannot connect, because she won't. I told Steve, "I think she hates me." And he had the nerve to disagree ... :-}

I wouldn't let her go to bed. Told her to go sit in the rocking chair  - because we were going come to some sort of resolution come fire or high water. ONLY I  wasn't exactly in a place to have a "Mommy loves you so much, can we be on the same side?" kind of talk. Steve prayed with me until I could.

As I rocked her, I basically told her that I knew she was putting a ton of effort in keeping herself distant from her family, but it was only serving to make her lonely, and angry and sad. She said she didn't know what "lonely" meant. I explained that she was all alone and sad... and the rest of the family had each other. We wanted her to be friendly with us so she wasn't lonely anymore. When she was being obstinate and awful, she was really pushing us away, pulling herself apart and making herself lonely. She was alone by her own choice, but she could choose to be friendly and she wouldn't be lonely anymore. It might have been ten o'clock at night, but I think, for once, she saw it.  It made enough impression that the next day she was more open. I would ask her here and there, "are you lonely today or friendly?" Even today she answered "friendly".

I believe I saw that haunted look in her eyes when she was crying about wanting to stay home and hold her chick. She may think she will fulfill her lonely needs with her new pet, but she might, with or without really realizing it, long to connect with home and family... I almost had a sense that she wished to be with me.

Two and half hours is a long time, though... when I pick her up will she view me as her enemy or her mom?

Sad, eh? Two years and she hasn't figured it out yet.

6 comments:

Mama in Uganda said...

Three years and one of ours still hasn't figured it out, or rather, finds some twisted sort of contentment or maybe its an identity in her misery.

Praying for you, and for Missy.

Love,
Summer

Me and Jesus said...

my daughter had a cat... once she attached to that cat. She could better attach to me. She learned to lvoe something and bonded with that (horrible) cat. I encouraged it. Even allowing the cat in the house!!
Let her attach to the chick. Never ever take it away or use it as a consquence. Let her love it in her own way. Its surprising what it can do.

C Dawn's bucket said...

It occurred to me that maybe in the reality Missy led before coming to your house maybe mom was the enemy and so she doesn't have any ....

not sure...thought popped into my head as I was reading so I thought I would share it.

I pray for you all often..

Jess said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm now following you back! I love to find other bloggers with foster care background. Looking forward to reading more!

~Jess @ fosteringinthedeepend@blogspot.com

Mama D’s Dozen said...

4 years here ... and our Little Miss hasn't figure it out. Absolutely no desire to have a relationship with ANYONE in the family (including bio. sister from Africa). Nope. She continues to push every one of us out of her life. So sad. So hard.

Laurel

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