Embrace the Life

My days are full.

My head and my heart are full.

And yet I sit down to write it's as if I were empty. I have had moments here and there to write, but I haven't been able to pull it together and to make sense of a single thought, so I have tried to just skip "talking" and meditate on God's Word and pray and just let Him speak to what my life is in His perspective.

 Having another little child enter the family adds a whole new dimension and dynamic to our lives. Already it's hard to imagine life without him when he goes home. He brings a lot of joy and happiness to all of us by just being. He's a comfortable fit. Even those long hours in the night when he's sick and stuffy and just needs to be held and cuddled are no hardship because he's just that precious and innocent. He cuddles in deep and I can feel his peace and contentment. I am reminded of the night feedings and snuggle times when the girls were small and of how I used to use those night hours to pray over them and I am compelled to pray over him and his family and his future. I pray that our contribution to his life and soul make an eternal impact. The little guy has bonded, too. He was so excited to see me last evening when he came home from his visit he was shivering all over with his arms reaching out to me  squealing.  His 8 yr old bio sister was standing there watching and she turned to the driver and said, "WOW! He really likes his babysitter!"

 As beautiful and as wonderful as all that is, it is actually excruciatingly defining of the stark contrast we live with every day.

And that''s painful to process.

Two years and we've made a thousand strides in  attachment and bonding....

and it isn't enough and it isn't complete.

There's so much more joy and love and peace and contentment the twins could be experiencing.

If only they would.

It breaks my heart because I love them.

But to be brutally honest it can be really hard to like them.    {Sometimes}

I remember early on when it was incredibly hard just to get through an hour. I was on the phone with a friend. She had also adopted two at the same time we did. Hers were from another country, and much younger. They were hard also - but not for the same reasons. They were physically sick. Days and nights were draining as they nursed them back to life and health.  We were commiserating together on the phone in the name of encouraging each other, which looking back, I had nothing to offer except prayer and an occasional phone conversation to say I cared. I don't know what I would have done without her kind words, though. They meant everything. But she asked me, after I had shared how tough the day had been, "But don't they add a lot of joy to your family?"

It stopped me in my tracks. I tried to think. A cute thing or two popped into my mind and I answered with a non-committal yes.

It never left me.

I sought hard to find the joy in the moments. To see the blessings. To enjoy the preciousness.

And I felt like a liar.

There. were. so. few. By far, the hard outweighed the joy.

I am thankful to say those moments have increased. They have absorbed enough of the sunlight of God's grace to be able to give back some and I can answer more honestly that they do give us joy. There are even weeks of peace now. However there is still enough hard to tip the scales often enough.

I don't say that our life is miserable. We live above it for the most part. 

It's the children that are suffering in their own misery.

They don't know what continual harmony and connection feels like inside. It's so sad!! Without the Hope of Christ in their life they would never know it. The great tragedy of it all is that it's not their fault they were born into this sinful degraded world to such circumstances and hereditary tendencies. I believe they do have a choice to continue in misery and sin, or they can embrace the Life that Christ is offering them. If they would only see their need and cry out to the Father of all children He would honor His promise to give them NEW LIFE. Rather than accepting it fully at once, they go the way of most humans only taking the threads of their choosing from the garment He holds out weaving themselves inadequate coverings.... but some day.... SOME DAY... They'll recognize the futility of it all and embrace the life Christ intends for them.

I bank on it. God didn't ask us to love them for nothing. They have a future.

I wonder if they can learn from the little fellow who is so full of joy despite his own tragedy?

I know that I am more open and candid about this journey than some people can handle. Some wish I didn't expose the hard stuff of adoption. Some wish I would smooth it out a bit and focus only on the positive. Some wish we had never embarked...

BUT I can say, we would do it all over again. They have a future and a promise. God give us the strength and wisdom to give them their very best chance at life. We were following directions from above when we took them in, and we will continue to pursue our directives.... embracing the life.