ONE DAY AT A TIME

It's not going super well with me and a certain child....

It's intense. I wake up with a feeling of dread and panic.

I see it as a vicious cycle. The acting out is unlovely... I instinctively pull back... I try to help her see what she is doing is hurting her, too and she gets worse.  I give myself a talking-to and try to come in close, she pulls another prank from her stash and I am disheartened and nauseous and shut her out. I know I need to do the opposite thing I feel like doing. Easy to say.....

I see my tolerance level shrinking by the hour.

For the most part I remind myself that she has some mental deficits. I give her a lot of room for those... The thing is, she is completely different for me than she is for people outside the home. She performs sparklingly well for those that she wants to impress. She flips the switch and bam, she's totally capable, but for others she makes herself a sweet needy child who is desperate to be held and coddled. I see her manipulating people and I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. She slithers onto someone's lap and looks over at me like, "and what are you going to do about it?" Or sometimes she won't look at me at all because she doesn't want to catch my signal that she is being inappropriate because she is smart enough to know right and wrong. (I'm learning to speak directly and clearly in public. )

I received a kind and appreciated comment from my sister-in-law telling me she was praying that the Holy Spirit would protect me from bitterness and resentment. I am grateful. I am soul searching for bitterness...  I do find resentment. (especially when meanness is directed to her twin brother. He does nothing to deserve being hurt by her. He was all she had and there should be some kind of love between them, but she doesn't see it that way, she sees him as competition. I know I am way off base here. If her attachment and love is missing, then there won't be any for anyone no matter how deserving.) I do find her behavior as repulsive as apparently she intends and I agonize over separating her actions from the child in need of love and kindness. I do want the best for her, but it is amazingly and incredibly frustrating to work with her to that end.


My prayer for today  (and it's going to be LONG day ) is that I can treat her like Jesus treats me. No matter what she does or says or how hard she tries to put me off, I pray I will not lose my patience and not emotionally shut her out. She's on the bench nearby for not answering or coming when I called, and it looks like there might be a lot of that today. We also moved her to the room upstairs near my room yesterday so that I can be more aware of what she is doing at all times. I pray that I don't give in to the temptation to mentally block her out, give up and lose hope.

We didn't do anything special yesterday. Steve worked. I worked on a Xmas present. Christina cleaned the refrigerator, Vanessa helped Missy move her things upstairs. No fancy meal. I thought of baking a pie and stuff, but gluten free is discouraging because it is so much more work and to do it twice is too much... We'll have our dinner Sabbath when Steve is home.  The girls took the harp/violin/flute to the hospital and played music until their fingers blistered. Oh the stories they come home with. Music can be such a blessing.

We baked the babies' family a pie and they brought us a sweet gift. So thankful for them. They were visiting a relative at the hospital and heard the music and even before they saw who it was just KNEW!