The Cliff

You can't know how every moment that my children are peaceful is treasured as a gift unless you have lived through the horror of the chaos and turmoil they can create for themselves, (or with a similar child). The calm peaceful moment seems to stretch and last because I've learned to appreciate it to the fullest (and perhaps because I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop:-) A day seems like a week. I begin to think maybe she's learning, maybe she's enjoying the calm as much as I am, maybe that last battle was her last hurrah....

We go about our day digging dirt - her with a little shovel, me with my big one. We plant flowers making the hole just right with our fingers. She chatters non stop."Why we plant flowers here? Why the flowers yellow?" I pull the hose, she waters....  I take the opportunity to explain God's creativeness and power.  We pull weeds and roots and talk of little sins that take root in the heart.  She plays happily. She brings a little joy to my heart when I see her bend over to tie the shoes of a smaller girl. I read her a goodnight story and she's off to bed with a happy heart. I am blessed and hopeful...

But the next day starts out all wrong. She comes up with a frown. She wants to wear what she wants to wear and big sister had the audacity to suggest it doesn't match. She comes up to see if I will side with her, only to find me cuddled up on the couch with her brother having quiet time with a book. She's instantly jealous. Anger spills everywhere. I make room for her on the couch. She rants. I shush her. I give her options... but I hold her close. She melts and stiffens in turn, over and over. I know it has nothing to do with matching or unmatching clothes and everything to do with her choices in dealing with being crossed and of course jealousy. I work, I pray, I sing, we sing together. She chooses the song Into My Heart. I think we've brought her back from the edge of the  precipice... She decides to wear a more coordinated outfit and runs off to dress.

She happily shows off her outfit but at a glance notices brother is ahead of her in the routine. Without warning she completely hurls herself off the edge of the cliff. There's no turning back. It's an all out battle to save her. Every ugly emotion shows itself; jealousy, hate, rage, anger. I give myself a split second talking-to, "You can do this. The Lord will give you the calmness you need."


I work, I pray, I am immovable and firm, I recognize we are beyond sanity and I hold on and wait. As reason returns I ask for her 100% cooperation. . . and I hold out for it.... I remind myself to outlast and  expect a complete turn around. I pray for me, because at this point I could, and probably will, lose my patience if I am not completely submitted. It's crucial that I don't or everything I am working for is lost. She will feel vindicated in her anger. She'll justify her behavior . I speak from experience.  We've been down this road fifteen hundred times already.

She begins to relent. She repeats after me - special Bible verses, prayers, calming words, words that affirm that she will obey and do what is right. I ask her to smile. It's oh, so hard! I stick to my guns. I will accept nothing less. It's fake, but it softens her further. We sing. She agrees to a consequence and restitution. I resolve to keep her within inches of me all day. She's harnessed and tied in close, but she could cut the rope and throw herself over the cliff once again at any given moment

It's 9:30 - two hours since she came up the stairs with her frown. I'm still in my pajamas. Breakfast is cold.

But the rest of the day promises good things.... if I can just gather myself and find my motivation again.