Sunday, August 5, 2012

The Beauty of Sacrifice

We listened to the whole YFJ final program and baptism online yesterday. It was thrilling to hear of commitment of the young people that have been working together for this whole month. Brianna had done her final sermon the night before. My dad being the president of ASI was there, he proudly texted us a few times during that sermon. For the final program last night my Dad had the sermon and it was a variation on one I have heard before, but so timely for me.

He spoke of the beauty of sacrifice.

Actually, it was the sermon on the Son or the Hireling.... but you know, the part you need to hear is the part that stands out most.

Well, on Friday sacrifice was seeming to be anything but beautiful.

Sacrifice is beautiful when viewed in others. HA! Not so beautiful when it's my lot.

I don't really call letting my girls go to these experiences a sacrifice, because it is everything I want for them .... though, in a sense it is, because of how everything turned out with the foster kids this time, but just the fact that God called us to have these children, especially Missy, who is frustratingly NOT learning to obey. She is choosing sin over love every waking moment and it is HARD.

I want to do what is absolutely right by these kiddos. At every step I'm asking myself, "Is this the right response?" I beg for wisdom but am not really thrilled that what I have to do is not pleasant and the outcome is not any more pleasant than the process and no true headway is made.... And I am second guessing everything and sometimes losing my focus in frustration and not doing the right thing.

At the risk of sounding like a martyr...( I remember that I don't have to do this, but I do feel like it is God's call on our life right now). To have children that are not of my making or temperament, all screaming and crying and being needy at once .... demanding and not caring that you give your ALL to them. This past Friday Anna-Joy was throwing tantrum after tantrum., James threw a doozy, and Buddy is entering the terrible twos... truly I have never seen an 18 month old in my care throw himself on the floor and bang his head in angry protest!!! My own head is pounding with a migraine.... In the midst of it the baby must be fed and burped calmly and kept from the noise. The church expects me to provide a meal for visitors on the 1st Sabbath of the month and I couldn't even do Friday's lunch dishes....

And then came a text message.... "Hey, I'd like you to join me on a trip to Hungary for the last ten days of YFJ. I'll buy you a ticket!"

At that moment sacrifice was anything but beautiful.

I'm a gypsy at heart, not to mention escape seems so attractive!! I would love to actually share in the girls' experiences and be a part of it instead of just hearing about them.

I long for time to sit and read my Bible without interruption... for just praying is almost impossible. I try to journal because my train of thought is jumbled with the demands on my ever waking moments - but something must give in order for me to sit and write. Mostly I jot words in short spurts... interrupted constantly. This post could take all day.

I wept tears over the baby and told him he was worth it... because they all are, but this is a pretty tough season, especially when appearances point in the direction of losing the battle for a certain little girl's heart.

Missy hadn't been up five minutes this morning when she gave her dad a real run for his money. He came into the bedroom (she was up way too early) and told me I had to get going because she had to be monitored. He said, "I love you, and I'll pray for you, because human patience is not enough to survive this. " - his parting words as he left for work. God has graciously given me a verse to hang on to today. 2 Cor. 12:8 -10 I claim it as mine.

Then there are those moments when you wonder... Is it all just me??

We enjoy chatting with the girls in Hungary via the facebook skype. It works very well. Vanessa was concerned about the twins behavior that was so obvious Friday afternoon as we connected. She took a moment to speak directly to Missy. She told her that when she was 8 she was mommy's right hand man and has always been and since she isn't there to help me Missy needed to take her place. Missy wasn't listening... I thought. I kept redirecting her back to the video screen... but she appeared to have her own agenda for the conversation. However, after we clicked off she went straight to the kitchen. She said, "Sister says I need to help you do the dishes because she isn't here to do it." She set to work and did it all with a pleasant attitude.

Say what? WHY? and I can only shrug and be thankful. She did a good enough job that I didn't have to redo them. Thankfully for her, there really were only a few. But if I had asked her? We would have had yet another war such as we have been having all day every day.

I don't usually post regarding the trials of my life on facebook. I save it all for here, BUT this morning I posted a little something. You would be amazed at the kind comments and PHONE calls I have been getting along with offers to help. I accept all of them ;-)

My little sacrifice is real, though on paper it sounds MORE like a whine... and it's probably real because I have yet to attain the Mind of Christ, but I trust He'll get me there, by and by. I'm reminded that God sees and knows and blessings of obedience will be greater than if I did my own thing. I have to believe there is a purpose in us working with Missy and should she give her life to Christ it would be NO sacrifice at all.


Mama in Uganda said...

Its a real battle. And its NOT you!

Keep asking the Lord to give you a verse each day to cling to.

Much love,

Oldqueen44 said...

There are so many out here that understand how real your struggle is and how desperate one can become to have a simple glimpse of knowing you are doing right by your child.
However Missy turns out, you can have peace that you are doing right by her. She is in a safe home and you are trying to love her through all her madness. Maybe someday she will recognize the sacrifice and say Thanks, Mom.

~Melissa said...

Hmmmm, love your ponderings! I was just thinking of you yesterday. My own older three were gone at the Iowa Youth Rally and I was alone with the younger two. My thoughts ran deep in another direction... you have your struggles with a united front... that is awesome... and something to indeed be thankful for! How can we survive our trials without that united front? I believe your older girls understand that and Missy's tendency to not listen to "authority". Her "sisters" are not that same figure to her that you represent and they have a unique ability to be the turning point to that little one. Who says God doesn't know what He's doing when He puts families together? We have our own ideas of how things will work out, but in the end, God makes it just right. Your hard work that you put into your own children... is coming out and while it seems your efforts are in vain... your past efforts have created the building blocks needed for Missy to possibly turn around... at least it worked for the dishes... ;p

I find it interesting that we are wrestling with the same spiritual issues over the past few years, but totally different circumstances. I still pray for you, each time I read your blog and see your name on FB... Sorry, I don't post so often... I just am so busy... I'm sure you understand... ((Hugs to you))