Friday, August 17, 2012

Being { REAL }

Visited the post adoption clinic yesterday.

Steve thought it was helpful.

I was discouraged.

The doctor gave some suggestions that Steve thought were great. I think we've been around that bend before.

The thing that is most annoying is that these professionals keep telling us who might be able to help, instead of seeing how they can help. With every place we come out with another list of contacts...

She didn't quite say we were crazy.... but she more than alluded to it.  She also suggested I need to see a psychiatrist because surely someone "parenting at the Olympic level" needs more support than the average mom. She asked what kind of support I was getting and wasn't impressed with my answer.

Truth is, my support is unseen... something I don't think she can understand. I got the distinct impression she is not a Christian and she ended the visit with, "May the force be with you." which caught me off guard. How do you respond to that?

She wants me to keep things "fun". I see her point (in her sterile world) . I've gotten to the place where it's "make your choice, kiddo.  YOU CHOOSE right or wrong." and we go from there.  I'm not fun anymore. I don't even care to be at that level. It just plain isn't fun working with a child who chooses to be a grump a great portion of the time.  I know that it hasn't really worked for us before, it isn't going to do much now, but I can see that I could lighten up a bit. I can see how I need to get back the desire to even work with the issues, but nothing is really making a difference right now and it's hard to see that anything will.

We went back to the zoo and I walked off some of my disappointment. . .


Me and Jesus said...

;) I am watching Nancy Thomas' dvds. One of the big signs of a RAD mom is she appears "angry and hostile". Reading this, I thought that lady at the adoption clini probably doesnt know the first thing about RAD.
Can you get respite? My friend is hittinng the really hard spots in her journey for healing for her daughter and the therapist totally advised respite.

Sean and Lisa said...

No words but lots of prayers, understanding and big hugs coming your way!

Anonymous said...

The normal response to 'May the Force be with you' is laughter not an uptight reaction to something slightly surprising.

Shonni said...

Oh good grief!!!!!!!! Her advice probably was as helpful as a drop in the ocean. Really, what are we paying these people for? Not very “professional”.
So sorry. Praying for you!

Sophie said...

I completely understand where you are with Missy and with being behind on everything. Two babies along with RAD is exhausting in every since of the word. I am counting down the minutes until I take the kids to school on Monday morning. In September I plan to put the babies in moms morning out for a few hours a couple of days a week to try to reclaim my house. Three years of slowly losing grip on the little things has caught up and I have so much to do. Hard to do while chasing two sneaky little boys around. :)

I hate it when professionals don't get it. UGH

Anonymous said...

I have commented before, both with and without my name/blog attached. When I post about my stepson and his journey with RAD, I do not link to my blog because I never want him to have a way to track my comments and be further wounded.

That said, when he was 11 I believe, is when he was finally diagnosed with RAD. They had told us several things throughout the years, had medicated him for ADHD, etc... and the entire time, I knew in my gut that it was more. Finally we found a place that did an in depth evaluation. They did several tests on him throughout the course of an afternoon. It took almost 5 hours and there was a team of therapists, psychiatrists, etc... that did the testing and compiled the results. The end result? They told us that they could offer us counseling as the trauma of raising him was equivalent to the trauma of serving on the front lines. They could not, however, offer treatment to him at that time because had no conscience. His belief system is that everyone else in the world is to blame for his issues. I totally agreed in part, that it wasn't his fault. Many things that he experienced/endured were not his fault, but where we parted ways is, I believe they are his problem. He didn't choose to be violated by his step father but he had a choice of what to do with that trauma. Unfortunately, he chose to respond in anger and violence.

He is 19 now and is still angry and blaming us. Right now it is anger that I won't allow him to live here. It rips my heart out to say no. I feel guilt like you can't imagine, but I can't keep the other kids safe and have him here.

I said all of that to say this. I get it. I understand what it's like to feel like you are living under siege. I know how much energy one child can take. I know how one child can change the entire dynamic of a family. I understand how you can long for bedtime but then not be able to sleep because you don't know what they are doing. I understand dreading morning and needing to go through it all over again.

But Jesus Christ. This is what I know. I know that we serve a risen Savior and I know that I know that I know that He does give us the strength to get through each moment even when we think we can't. I know that in our darkest moments when we can't see or feel Him, He is there. I know that His mercies are new every morning and that He loves you, and Missy, like you are His favorite daughters. I know He sings loudly over you. I know He is proud of you. I know that He has a plan and a purpose for you, and for Missy, and while she might fight it for all she's worth, you are planting seed in her and He promises His Word will NOT return void.

Even though my stepson is not living with us right now and even though he's making some poor life decisions, I believe and proclaim that "he is just working on his testimony." I know I made so very many stupid and wrong decisions in parenting him, but I believe that love covers a multitude of sins and I trust Jesus that He is going to bring T back to His bosom. "I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him until that day." It might sound like my post is negative but my heart is not. I just want you to know, you are not alone. I am praying for you right as soon as I hit send. Oh wait! Something else, remember, it is often darkest right before dawn. The more a RADish is feeling connected, the harder they fight. I am going to pray, as soon as I hit send, that this behavior is indicative of a major breakthrough. I am praying that the Lord is preparing to bust through in Missy's life.

Melanie said...

I love what anonymous said above about her stepson, "he is just working on his testimony"! This morning in Sunday School we were talking about how different each of our testimonies are.
Prayers for y'all.