Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Beyond Superficial

She's learning to express her feelings a wee bit beyond her usual, 
"I don't want to!" or 
"Because I want to!" &
"I love/hate you!"

Truly that was the extent of her feelings language repertoire.

We are delighted to hear her express herself more,
but we certainly get a chuckle out of her statements that get turned around.

Like this week on the way home from camping for 4 nights she sighed and announced:
"Mom, my bed sure missed me!"

My husband and I are at a loss as to how to help the kids process the big experiences
such as their visit with their biological mother.
How do you even bring it up
when you know they don't have the language to even begin to express or understand their feelings?
They have nothing to say about it AT.ALL.
and so
we are left to "create and direct and make up" the entire conversation
with no input whatsoever from the child.
(Except what James thinks you want to hear.)
Or we skip the conversation altogether because there is no point
and they are likely to just shut down altogether.
We cannot know how they are dealing with things...
and it leaves one believing they are not dealing with it at all.
They are just living from moment to moment
their little hearts hardened against most deep feelings.

As they have slowly been learning self-control and losing their anger they don't even
have that to express so much anymore.
Which is GOOD!! don't get me wrong,
and it is replaced by a happy face
but that's all we know.

 Did the visit mean anything to them?
I don't know.
And they would tell you they don't know either.

It meant something to their First mom
and we do it for her
but it might mean something to the kids that we did this years down the road?
They won't have to wonder who she is, 
and if she loves them, and if life would have been perfect with her?


Sophie said...

"They are just living from moment to moment their little hearts hardened against most deep feelings."

That is what we live around here. It is hard and so sad.

Oldqueen44 said...

That is a big decision to have the kids visit with the bio family. I'm sure you will be glad you made thedecision to do so in the end.