Work Cut Out for Me

We're experiencing an attachment issue with Little Miss right now.

Little Guy is attached to me and is learning quickly to obey. He is taking his consequences quietly and with dignity even if he's trying out all kinds of things like lying, ignoring, "forgetting", etc..., but he is not throwing things anymore. He isn't running off angry much or screaming at all. He's happy most of the time.He is the most impatient child around, but is starting to get it that there is such a thing as taking turns, waiting and just seeing what will happen if you didn't get your question answered immediately.This is something that will take months if not years to work through, but we are on the path.

Little Miss has built up a wall  against me. I saw it when the rest of the family went to Bible Camp and she tantrumed for hours on end. I saw it in Alaska when she would go to the bathroom for the girls, but would have a screaming fit for me.

Yesterday she refused to make her bed for me. As I worked with her she screamed for Brianna Grace over and over. The whole episode was her statement to me about where I stood as her mother. (The SW reminded me that her sister was her authority in bio-family). This was all out defiance. We got through it. She eventually made her bed. She was told in no uncertain terms that Brianna would not be available to her for anything. She cuddled up to me and smiled and did sweet things and then asked again for Brianna Grace. I explained that Brianna would not be playing with her or teaching her braiding and crafts, etc... as before. She cried broken hearted and then she tried the butter-me-up stuff all over again.

Later in the day I took her to a friends house. Leila gave her a lolly pop. She was enjoying it but dropped it on the ground at home and I had to throw it away. She was sticky and I gave her a napkin to clean up her face. She defiantly threw it on the floor. I asked her to please pick it up. I asked three times. She only gave me the "I dare you to try and make me" look. I gave her one more chance to obey. She screamed at me.

"Okay, Miss, off to bed with you."

I removed her shoes and she flipped out with screaming and kicking and throwing herself on the floor when suddenly she stood up and said, "Yes, MOM" with the sweetest smile ever.

"I'm sorry kiddo. It is too late. I gave you chances to change your mind, but now that you are in for the consequences and you don't want them. I'm sorry, you are going to bed."

The screaming, the flailing, the attacking resumed. I finally was able to get her in a position where I could pick her up without getting hurt. I undressed her and put her in the shower in hopes to calm the storm. Her goal was to get as much water all over the bathroom as possible to show how angry she was with me. I carried out my business.... only when the shampoo started running down her face and I was offering her a facecloth which she would not accept at first did the tantrum subside, but only for the moment.

I tried to give her something to eat as this was bed for the night.... She was impossible and so I had to forget that idea. I put her in bed. The tantrum resumed and carried on for a full hour. I did my best to keep her from beating the walls. Steve was finally able to get her to apologize and lay still, but she really thought that would get her out of bed.

This morning she resumed her stance towards me and her calling for Brianna Grace. I reminded her that Brianna is not doing anything with her anymore. I am her mom. This was turning out to be one HORRIBLE day except that  Christina  remembered that the pool opens tomorrow. Suddenly little Miss is a sweet adorable, obedient little thing with many "Yes, moms".

Christina was like, "but MOM!!!!! She isn't obeying for the right reasons! She isn't obeying because she wants to and loves you. She is only doing it to get to go swimming."

I know that, but love can't happen in an instant. Love and trust are built up over time.... if she can obey to avoid consequences right now, eventually she will know how to love and trust and obey for the right reasons as she grows attached to me. (Sounds like a good theory anyway...)

Brianna is off limits, poor girl! She can't do a thing with the kids until things change and the authority and attachment is in the right place.

We have yet another SW visit today.... Brianna groaned, " Aw! Mom.  Another social worker??? They are like flies!!!! They never go away!" Oh, the joy!  :-)