Monday, August 26, 2013

Sabotage

Missy dug in deep. There was nothing to do about it . . . We tried to start the day over three times and she just dug in deeper. She didn't want to cooperate and that was that. I left her with the girls and took James school shopping. He needed shoes and the usual classroom supplies.



We were having a great time. We found everything pretty quick and he tried on a total of two pairs of shoes before picking one. Shopping with boys is completely different from shopping with girls. Just in case you didn't know. As we walked by the clothing items we had a discussion about underwear and whether he could manage to wear any at school this year. . . He assured me he was well past the age of wetting his pants. It wouldn't be happening this year. He hasn't had a problem for some months so I affirmed that I believed he was right. (Don't ask me why wearing underwear caused him to wet his pants.) Our next stop was Taco Bell. It was part of the "outing". As he's getting out of the van my eye catches sight of wet running down the front of his shorts and down his leg... WHAT in the WORLD?

As I recognized what was taking place I sat back and put my hand on my forehead. Really?! He started howling. I told him to quick run in and finish in the bathroom and return to me. He went loudly and came back louder.... heads were whipping in our direction everywhere. I didn't move. I just quietly told him that if there was going to be rage and out -of-mind behavior coming up I didn't feel that I could keep him safe there  in town and that I would not hesitate to call for help.... even the police if I had to.

So let me back up.

Last week I took Missy for school shopping. She was quite pleased.  The list of items needed was small and inexpensive, so though I had pretty much decided were going to use paper bags this year because her lunch bag was a gross disaster last year, she found a nice one with a liner that could be taken out to clean and I let her have it. It was so cute. It was a purse with an owl on it. I very, very infrequently buy the extras, but I wanted this outing to be special. We went to TBell  and made it a nice date. Oh, yeah, and she tried on every pair of shoes in her size range... That took awhile and I could not make suggestions or they were automatically culled from the possibilities! I was thankful when she finally chose a sensible pair of runners for school.

When we got home she was told clearly to put the school supplies and new shoes away until school. Later she was found wearing the shoes and playing with the lunch bag. I reminded her that I had asked her to put them away for school, that she was not allowed to dirty them up before school ever started. Later I went back outside and found that she had not obeyed. She was still wearing the shoes and playing with her things. I sent her to put them away. She got defiant. I took them away and gave her a sweeping job at which point she BLEW! It went into a terrific rage and I was called all kinds of hateful things. I tried hard to diffuse the situation. I let her know that this kind of disrespect would have me packing up the lunch bag back to the store if it didn't stop and soon. The rest of the afternoon was a bust. She continued spewing the hate....  So much for fun mother-daughter outings facilitating in drawing us close.

So, back to today.

I just sat and waited out the crying. I told him if things got ugly I would be returning his lunch bag, too but he got himself together and we each prayed for help and then, rather than going with my instincts  (which were VERY STRONG) of making a beeline for home I went ahead and ordered him something from TBell. I was texting my husband like crazy for advice. He wasn't available... I told James I was thankful he didn't blow his top. I thanked him for staying respectful. I told him how disappointed I was in his decision to wet his pants for whatever his reason... and then we went on like nothing had happened. Though, I told him since he wasn't proving he could make good choices today, I would make the TBell selection instead of him. Also, we ate in the car instead of in the restaurant because, naturally,  he was all wet.

It's all so bewildering. Like WHY?! As we were sitting there I was thinking about Missy and how I had made the decision that nothing she did today would faze me. I had spent an hour and half walking and praying alone before facing her this morning. I was so prepared to meet the onslaught, but I was totally blindsided by James. I hadn't reacted inside that I knew of.... but the confusion... the disappointment in trying so hard to do something special for these kids  just backfiring - it's bewildering to say the least.

The overwhelmed tears took over and I just couldn't choke that icky food down.

13 comments:

Kelly said...

Awe. I am so sorry. I DO NOT take Jackson shopping for any reason at all. I don't even let him go to the grocery store with me. He can and will ruin it for everyone every single time. That one lesson I have learned. :)

There is no way for us to understand their crazy. So sorry.

Emily said...

I so understand this!!! I want so badly to be able to do special things. But somehow, it never works out. It's almost like being singled out for special is too scary for them. They just can't handle it. I'm so sorry!

Lori said...

Know that there are other Moms out here walking the same CRAZY walk! Big sigh. You make me feel better because I know I am not alone and that helps ME! Thanks! :-)

Anonymous said...

maybe you are trying to hard to much focus on those two. They get so much more attention by the way they act. You have other kids spend as much or more time with them and see what that does.

acceptance with joy said...

The nature of blogs....

I do.


I mostly write about the twins. My other children are 15, 18, 19.... We have a wonderful relationship. We work together, and talk A LOT.

I didn't mention that I took Christina school shopping first. In fact we spent HOURS shopping. Just the two of us preparing her for her first school experience at the age of 15 - YUP! she headed to the local college.

Kathy C. said...

Mine do okay shopping but I've found I have to be careful with praise. It's crazy, but if I praise them for something, they sabotage themselves. So I just leave it at, "Good job."

Anonymous said...

We have gotten in the habit of not doing much because of this same scenario in our family. Sigh...

I agree with the praise thing. I praise my daughter with too many words and she will sabotage herself almost every single time! "Good job" or "thank you", etc seems to work much better for her. Many times fewer words seems to click with my daughter. Now if I could just remember that at all times! :)
Blessings!
Barb

Oldqueen44 said...

Sounds very hurtful and disappointing.

However, don't think that a special memory wasn't made. I bet the children know in their hearts that you were attempting to make them feel special. One of these days they will remember and thank you for loving them.

~Melissa said...

Oh, my heart hurt with you! Some days it just hurts. ((Hugs)) to you, dear friend. May God bless you abundantly for taking the hits day after day. I pray too, for the kids, and the entire family. You all need each other, someday those two little ones will learn that... and I think they are, even if it is slow going.

Mandy said...

I've been catching up on your summer blogging. I can see we have been walking a similar path. I don't have any awesome answers. I have taken to falling on my knees in front of the kids and begging heaven for help. I tell God exactly what I am needing in that moment. I am continually reminded that I am not fighting flesh and blood, but principalities and powers. When I take my kids out of the equation and look at the real motivating forces for chaos and dysfunction in our home then I remember who is truly pitted against them and against me. I am praying rescue prayers and I am teaching my more able children to pray rescue prayers of their own. I am seeing fruits. Greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world...

Giulia said...

It reminds hard moments with my mom. They know in their heart that you want to make them special.

What you say makes me perceive that both of your children feel overwhelmed by something. From what you say, it sounds more a physical discomfort they cannot handle.

Was the restaurant and the mall crowded ? Noisy ?
Sounds so so basic, but noisy and crowded places before being back to school = recipe for disaster.

Were they tired ? Hungry ?
Again, physical discomfort sounds very basic, so easy to forget and make children like yours and adults like me blow up very badly.

So, how can we make things different ?
Is there any mean for them to tell you about a physical discomfort ?

I can sound very "1+1=2", but more often than not, we go and search something very complicated when the answer is right in front of us.

You do your best, for sure.
You'll tackle this issue. And maybe we need to do things differently.

acceptance with joy said...

I appreciate the encouragement.

Just that you are seeing fruit. Ptl. That's what I need to hear!

acceptance with joy said...

These kiddos are not able to communicate well their needs and that is a fact.

It is quite possible.