Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Caregiver's Prayer

By God’s grace and the strength that the Holy Spirit supplies, I resolve: 
To look upon this time as a caregiver, whether short or long, 
as God’s appointment for this season in my life. 
To consider it an honor to be the Lord’s servant 
and to be an extension of His love to someone in need. 
To do what I do from a thankful heart, 
with all my heart, as unto to the Lord. 
To be quick to extend forgiveness to others, 
and to guard my heart against bitterness or resentment. 
To maintain a quiet spirit that trusts Him fully for every need. 
To seek those times, 
whenever possible, to take breaks, be refreshed, 
 and “come aside to rest awhile.”
 To choose joy, and not lose the gift of laughter. 
To seek God’s strength in my weakness, 
to receive His mercies when I have fallen short, 
to draw upon His grace in my inadequacy, 
to receive His refreshing when I grow weary, 
and to keep the eyes of faith upon Him in every need I face.

 The Lord is my Rock, my Fortress, 
and my Deliverer; my God, 
my keen and firm Strength in Whom I will trust and take refuge, 
my Shield, and the Horn of my salvation, my High Tower. 
I will call upon the Lord, Who is to be praised; 
so shall I be saved from my enemies. 
Psalm 18:2-3 AMP 
From Dayspring.

My turn to be sick.  First Christina on Monday... then Missy, then Tuesday James threw up all over his classroom at school. My turn - only I don't puke... ever. 

Oscar is really bonding to me. So cute. 
He dishes out hugs and love and kisses, even.
It's not as good with Pieter, yet. We have some work to do ...  He's not testing as hard, but he's not warming up a lot, either. Although, he decided not to fight using the toilet. He won't initiate, but he will go when asked to.

Their mom is still on track to get them back in a few months. I'm cheering and praying in the background. I think we might be close to connecting as moms. It's not so easy sometimes - the timing must be just right and I have to have patience... Buddy's mom has had a chat with her. She let her know what it was like to work together with our family towards reunification. We are not here to adopt her kids by no stretch of the imagination. I'm here to take care of her kids while she gets her life together and the sooner we work together, the better things are for her children and the more she will be able to be with her kids as DSHS lifts the boundaries. The SW is very positive about this mom.

Missy is struggling. She won a battle over me and laughed at me all the way to school. 
She was absolutely giddy over it. Not me, so much. Ha! Actually, I was VERY upset with this reaction. SO very upset. I bawled my eyes out... which added to her strange sense of satisfaction. I could not believe it had come to this.
 It made me realize the horrible truth of where we are with this kid.
What kind of relationship is this that it's about winning and holding the power over another and triumphing in victory?

Today she pushed the limits. I stood my ground. She pushed as hard as she has ever pushed. I don't know, but she won last time (circumstances beyond my control) and she was willing to bet on winning again.  I stood my ground. I was calm and even tried to rub her hair as she thrashed and raged and screamed that I was STUPID.  She tried to hurt me - but not really. She threw things at me. Her aim is really bad. I splashed water in her face to draw the line physically....("you may not come up the stairs!")  otherwise my words, my presence meant nothing.

BUT she was not out of control. It was a show ~a  bullying really. When I picked up the phone it would stop. If I tried to video, it stopped. The second I put down the phone ... it started right back up. 

She missed the bus and in the end, she missed school altogether and I was sick in bed, so, it meant a boring day for her.


Oldqueen44 said...

Wow... You deserve some brownie points for endurance.

Julie said...

Sorry you are sick and I am sorry you were hurt. I know that pain. Question... What if you put her in a place she was getting no attention for her drama? Put her in her room and let her freak out and ignore her completely. She can only be with the family if she's going to participate as a family member. No extra treats, no rewards, Nada until she easrns the privilege, and that includes violin. I know it sounds terrible and I don't know much about therapeutic parenting in this type of case, but she shouldn't feel she has the power to hijack your day like that, it frustrates me for you. Sometimes when I read a trauma blog it triggers me in a deep way because I relive the emotions of going through it with our son. No one can understand that feeling without living it and as much as I feel for the kids and the trauma that caused this, I find myself feeling very protective of trauma mamas. I wish I had wisdom for you, or an encouraging word. I mind of feel like all I can offer is sitting down, figuratively putting an arm around you, and say, I really am sorry that it is just so hard.

Anonymous said...

Angie, we're hurting for you. I've never been under that level of stress 24/7. but remember a couple of situations where one student exhausted more of my energy than all other 20 or 30. It doesn't seem fair because it
's NOT fair. When a person is in fight/flight, they're not thinking at all. You have our admiration and you're in our prayers. --DaleV