Sunday, March 20, 2016


It's hiking season again!! I bought 6 pairs of hiking boots last week.

 The Struggle
I'm trying to push through some writer's block and it's not going too well. I guess I have some pretty strong unresolved feelings about this blog and I find myself kind of loathing everything written here. Well, maybe not everything. Those early posts were so full of hope. I used to enjoy sharing my heart and I kind of miss those days.

I'm not sure if I should try and start over somewhere new and fresh or keep trying to press through.  I'm really conflicted about the whole thing.  I know that writing gives me a lot of clarity... My foggy confused brain could use some clarity for sure. Should I be writing a blog, or just a paper journal? Should I be sharing the failures and pain of our struggles with our adopted children, or should we be keeping it all private and putting on our "everything-is-just-fine-&-dandy" face? Do I have anything to offer anyone else who might be in the same boat navigating the same seas, or is this a total waste of time and space?
Fancy feet

 What's Up
We're battle scarred and wary. We've lost our innocence along with our youthfulness and I don't trust people as much as I'd like to.  We have learned that a lot of people have a lot of opinions they would like us to make ours. We've also learned many a good lesson. We've learned who we are and who we are not. We've learned we are dependent and we've learned that we are weak. We've learned we cannot do anything to change a person or improve their lives even as we offer them everything we have.  We've learned that our opinion is nothing to hold dear.

Our stairway to heaven at the back of the house...

Did I mention that we've learned that we are weak?  I read this blog post yesterday:

Read it if you will. I totally resonated with this piece -  at the same time I am grappling with it's challenging significance in my life. This is hard stuff. Really, really hard stuff.  I don't like being weak. I don't like not knowing how to handle things. I'm heartbroken when my child refuses the best I have to offer. I wince at the "I told-you-so's", I shrink from people telling us we were wrong, and that we are doing it all wrong. I don't want to hear that this journey will ruin us.  I shudder when they tell us we should look for a way of escape. Actually, it doesn't matter what other people are saying. at. all, but the truth is they are only telling us what we've been tempted to think already and we wish them to rather come alongside and hold up our hands. 

But then again, 
"The degree to which I allow myself to be weak is the degree to which I experience true, God-originated strength (crazy, wild strength)." 

And maybe I'd rather experience that miracle when we are all alone and at our weakest.
Then there will be no doubting the source of our surge of ability to hang on and to keep praying.

wildflowers from the hillsides

The Promise

He gives power to the weak, 
And to those who have 
no might
He increaseth strength.
 Isaiah 40:29

 Not one who is earnest and persevering 
will fail of success. 
The race is not to the swift, not the battle to the strong. 
The weakest saint, 
as well as the strongest, 
may wear the crown of immortal glory.  
AA 313
The girls decided to take the kids camping up in the mountains. Nobody died.
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 
 But he said to me, 
“My grace is sufficient for you,
 for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 
so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  
 That is why, for Christ’s sake, 
I delight in weaknesses,
 in insults, 
in hardships, 
in persecutions, 
in difficulties. 
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2Corinthians 12:8-10
The little Duck is still my best little buddy.


QueenB said...

Praying for you for wisdom and peace. If the Lord tarries, there will come a point in time where you will look back on this; a time when your parenting days are finished, and this difficult trial has been resolved in some fashion, hopefully where you are no longer having the drama of it in your daily life. It will only came so it could pass, it will resolve in some way. I am sorry it is such a draining, discouraging story. Sorrier still for the children who cannot get out of the way of misery and want to make more of their lives, and love themselves into a better future. I do not enjoy that you are struggling, but I do appreciate and thank you for sharing your struggles; it gives me the opportunity to lift you in prayer, and also know that there are many who are traveling this difficult narrow road. Take care of you.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry that things are going so hard. I want to come alongside you and lift you and your family up in prayer. Thank you for sharing life lessons and spiritual insight. I pray that God will bless and guide you.

Anonymous said...

The feelings you have shared here I can SO identify with. Thank You! Wishing you all the best as you continue your journey with adoption.

Magda said...

Please continue to write. i've been following you from the beginning of this blog and i have learned so much. And I've been going similar way- I did not adopt but I have my own 2 children whose allergy left me (after 4 years) soo weak... now I unerdstand that I have no strenght unless He gives me some. thank you. Magda

Elizabeth Halcombe said...

Thank you so much for writing your blog, and for keeping it public. I would really miss it if you stopped writing.

One of my friends has adopted some of her children and they struggle as well. I found your blog when I was searching for some blogs that would help me know some of the struggles and daily life is like. I was hoping how to be a better friend and pray for their family better. After reading here for a while I now love and pray for you and your family too.

You have taught me so much, I can't imagine not being able to read your insights. You and your family have inspired me to want to do foster care/adopt someday.

I am sorry you are struggling. Please know that many prayers are sent your way.

Anonymous said...

Please know that I do appreciate your blog and all it entails. I've learned much through the years.

I am so sorry for the pain that you have to endure. As part of the adoption and through other, so unnecessarily and unkind words/acts.

I am grateful for the beautiful blessings, little buddy and the others - their dedication, joy and love in Christ.

I should have voiced my appreciation and prayer support long time ago - please forgive me for neglecting to do so.

Please remember, that even from a very small farm town in South Africa, I/we will keep you lifted up in our prayers daily.

Warm regards

Barbara said...

In a culture of so many perfect looking people, who are raising their kids right, and doing all the right things, following the right plan, imperfection, weakness, and struggles are not always respected. Maybe that is why I haven't been writing much for the last several years. Paper journals are nice, but their voice is not as strong and clear. I have been considering if I need to find my voice again, and clear my thoughts. I am not strong. I do not look perfect. My children are not perfect. I think it is ok to be weak, worn out, and messed up, while continuing to hold on to God even if we don't look perfect for years. There are many other struggling people, barely holding on to hope, who need to hear your voice of hope and faith in struggle and weakness. Yes, write. And filter out the voices of those with unkind, or unhelpful words. They just don't understand the road you are on.

Barbara said...

P.S. I read the article you mentioned second. I should have read it first. It is excellent. One of the things that struck me hard was when she said that she was just as ruined before when things looked perfect. Wow! That thought has never passed through my brain before. I loved the thought that these things in her life were pushing her into the chest of Jesus. And yes, that is where the strength and comfort lie.

Oldqueen44 said...

The reasons you should continue to Blog
~ Those that are just beginning will be blessed to know others have traveled the same road
~ Those that are in the middle will be blessed to know others have traveled the same road.
~ Those that are at the end will be blessed to know others have traveled the same road.

The thing is, is that it is so easy to be squashed by the outsiders who say and do harsh things because they actually think they could have done it better. When in reality there is no way to even minutely comprehend the struggle unless you live it. If you do live it then you are just one of the ones that are blessed knowing that you aren't the lone parent/family out there that is being overwhelmed by the insane life you got yourself into. And even though it is insane beyond what you could have ever anticipated it is your life and you are determined to give God your best.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Angie... this has encouraged me!! Antionette