Thursday, May 5, 2016

A Huge Moment

I've been praying deep pleading prayers for this little Miss and me. The overwhelming sense of utter failure, hopeless frustration, fear for the future, and tons of mommy guilt for not being able to break through the barrier and also for what I have become in response to this rejection and frustration produces sleepless anxiety, but also a deep desire to set before the Lord our whole situation and press Him to do something. I don't know if that's a good way to approach prayer...  My impulsion for entreating may not be of the purest motives still,  but I pray for the power and the blood of Jesus to transform our lives and for His Spirit to live through us and for all this experience to be of some account in the end.

She has leveled off back to a certain amount of calm since that last post, thankfully. I have not been able to get her back in to the doctor's yet, but we have an appointment. She took to eating ice-cream out of the freezer downstairs with her hands until I threw it out. The day we caught-on she was into everything much like an 18 month old would be... She was here there and everywhere into people's things and impulsive as is possible. Brianna was about to start her art class with a large group of children and she just knew she would not be able to handle Missy too, so the child was not able to participate. James got all puffed up about being the "good twin" and he was quite quickly ushered out of the class too.

We have been trying to see the positives, trying to notice effort, and letting them know I see it. No two days are alike, some easier, some harder,  but I do see an improvement in self-control in both the twins. If you look back over the years - even of last year, when they become enraged or start to scream or lose their self-control over anything the duration of the event is shorter. The episodes are less often. I don't feel like they are trying to force me to their will as much. A good example of this would be this morning's situation. Missy did not get out of bed when called. We all assembled for breakfast and ate together and cleared the table and did the dishes before she showed. I don't think she was terribly surprised that kitchen was cleaned up as it was passed 9 o'clock. She took it kind of matter of fact... and I invited her to come close to me and we talked about it while I held her hand. She did not break her gaze, or pull away or melt down. THIS is HUGE. Huge for her, but also for me. I picked the right moment to make the connection and we were able to maintain it for maybe more than two minutes. When I asked her to go do her hair she only half-heartedly protested... then she did it and did it well.

I spend too much time analyzing stuff to figure out what makes the difference. Is it because we did not let her go to the birthday party that she reigned herself back in? Or was she not feeling good when she started to spiral? Was she over-tired? Is she actually learning some boundaries? Is consistency actually paying off? Am I doing something different?  To be honest, all this thinking is a waste of time. I've been analyzing situations and circumstances, and monitoring attitudes and all that for so long... None of it is chart-able, concrete, repeatable, or consistent.  I have to give credit to the One whose mercies I have been pleading.


Thandi said...

Praying for continued and improved calm.

Emily said...

1. Every bit of progress is progress, even if it is tiny and slow.
2. NO GUILT ALLOWED. James and Missy are the way they are because of what happened to them before you became their mom. You have done EVERYTHING possible for them. You have loved, served, and cared for them faithfully. All of us who are are similar journeys know that some damage can't be healed without intervention from our Lord. There are some hurts that now amount of love, consistency, interventions, or care will heal. Only God's touch can heal that. And only God knows whether it is His plan to heal them or not...but you also know that His plan is right. So no guilt allowed. It isn't your job to changed James and AJ's hearts...only God can do that. And you have done an outstanding job at directing them toward Him. You have done an outstanding job of doing everything you can do. I know that even though you're tired, you'll continue doing the best you can do. Also remember that your best doesn't have to be perfection...your best is good enough. No guilt allowed. We all make mistakes, and you can't let those mistakes pull you down. Because honestly...even if you hadn't made any mistakes, James and AJ's issues are NOT because of anything you did or didn't do. Don't listen to the enemy. Listen to the truth. You are a wonderful mom, a wonderful wife, a wonderful friend, a wonderful mentor, and just a wonderful human being. You are loved deeply by your Father. That, sweet friend, is the truth. <3
3. We need to compare summer schedules. I'm thinking that during the week when my big girls are in Oregon, I may want to drive over to see you.

lilbets said...

I agree with what Emily wrote. I am wondering how you are doing now and if things are changing

acceptance with joy said...

thank you for your concern and interest. A new updated post is in the making ~f I can get my tired eyeballs to cooperate. :-)