And I have reached it this morning.
Not good.
I've been dealing constant with defiance by one or the other since last week. This morning was the limit. Life has been put on hold. All privileges revoked. No school, no choir, no church supper, no evening meeting, no playing with friends, no nothing. They have lost it all. I am not available to talk, respond, or help. They are outside with dad working and I am on vacation (in my mind). Today I will not be disrespected, ignored, disobeyed, tricked, screamed at, yelled at, whined at, stomped at, defied, or pushed, or manipulated because I have put myself emotionally out of reach, and I will not acknowledge any of it.
Yes, it's that bad.
Christina is not doing well with it because I am not doing well with it.
It a terrible thing when you realize nothing you do or say will make a difference. Nothing you've done or will ever do - though you work your tail off, makes the needed change in the heart. Even when it is for their very own good and betterment.
All the developmental miles stones and victories gained mean nothing if their hearts continue to be hard as stone.
9 comments:
Some days are like this. We are seed planters and it is up to God to command the will, yes even mine. I'm sorry it's that bad. I hope your hiatus will give you some perspective for when it is time to pick up the reins to try again. I wish I could go on vacation even in my mind....I like that idea every so often.
Oh wow... I could have written this on several occasions. I think that was always my breaking point. The hardened hearts.
But my friend's mom gave me this bit of advice. Solid foundations are build one block at a time. So with extreme consistency you will eventually see results. I have 4 kids who have all brought me to this breaking point. But they are healing. They are def softening. They want to please. That wasnt the case 2 years ago.
Lucky you tho, I usually ended up in tears and sent them to bed for a long time so I could regain perspective.
You are an amazing mother and are doing a great job.
One piece of non judgmental advice.
When you surprised them and did not tell them where you were going until it was time to go, you took away their security. Any time mom packs a bag, it brings fear to their tiny hearts. An irrational fear. So when you packed up and did not tell them where you are going until you were leaving, in their hurting little brains they now rationalize that you could pack them up and send them away without warning.
All my family lives far away. My kids have been with me for 3 years, we travel to visit family frequently. However they still need me to tell them exactly how many nights we will sleep there and what day we will come home. They need to hear that they are all coming with and they need to see me put their bag in the car.
If you do not provide that structure they will be filled with fears. If they are filled with fears they will be challenging, because if they are going to have to leave you, it doesnt hurt as bad if they are in "control" of it. Therefore they rejected you before you could reject them.
I remember being so angry that I had to push it out between gritted teeth. But I spoke the words often. "You are my child, I will love you, NO MATTER HOW disobedient YOU ARE. You can not make me not love you. So go ahead be disobedient, be disrespectful, but you cant stop my love."
Powerful words that our kids so need to hear.
I am praying for you to find peace. You are chipping away at the (hard)hearts of your children. It will be a very slow and steady process. Keep trying. It seems to take such a long time to deal with all the (major hurts)from childhood. I have forgiven but some of the feelings are not there. Maybe they will never be... I don't think that I "bond" like normal people. :( It is easier to walk away than feel the pain that people can cause. The Lord blessed me with two beautiful children that have showed me what real love feels like (on earth). I have such a BIG love for my two. I know that the twins were taken away early but they might have all of the wierd feelings without having the memories. I guess I mean that this is just the way it is for them. With prayer and work from you and dh things will get better. I hope you get a nice break. I was going to email but having computer problems. "Isabella"
Hang in there! You deserve a day off and another as well if need be. Praying for you, that He will give you the strength to see this through to the end.
Praise God His mercy is new everyday. Hang in there tomorrow is a new day. You can do this. God gave you these little treasures because He knew you were equipped to handle it. REST and start anew tomorrow. Trust in Phill. 4:13.
Blessings from a mom who's been there and made it through to the other side with all glory given to GOD!
Joy
What I meant to say is, I wonder How God must feel looking down on a whole world of us in such a messed up state and trying to communicate His love and only getting our rebeliousness back in response. Jason
The day of God will reveal how much the world owes to godly mothers. . . . {Mar 308.3}
When the judgment shall sit, and the books shall be opened; when the "well done" of the great Judge is pronounced, and the crown of immortal glory is placed upon the brow of the victor, many will raise their crowns in sight of the assembled universe, and pointing to their mother say: "She made me all I am through the grace of God. Her instruction, her prayers, have been blessed to my eternal salvation." {Mar 308.4}
With joy unutterable, parents see the crown, the robe, the harp, given to their children. The days of hope and fear are ended. The seed sown with tears and prayers may have seemed to be sown in vain, but their harvest is reaped with joy at last. Their children have been redeemed. {Mar 308.5}
I thought I commented on this the other day but not sure what happened.
Just wanted to say I can completely empathize with you. Good for you for stepping a way so you can face it again tomorrow with a freshness.
You are a wonderful mom!
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