They Really Want to Go Swimming

We've had a hard, hard week. The twins have been pushing against their responsibilities.  I have not budged, but they keep pushing back harder. It's not like anything has changed. I didn't really add anything new, I just am holding the line where I've been holding it and they have been trying to strong-arm it away. Missy has had tantrum after tantrum and the harder I try to work with her the worse she gets. And so when I go places I won't take her with me, and she tries to bully me into taking her. Forget it kiddo. Change the behaviors first. I have gotten really tired. (Brianna gets home tonight from Oklahoma. YAY!)

This morning they did not get out of bed until 7:30 or later. Breakfast is at 7:30 except on the weekends it is at 8:00.  I drove Vanessa to the bus stop and got myself behind the school bus. All the kids in the countryside are dressed and have eaten and are on the bus and my kids are still laying in bed and had no motivation to get up and get the day going. Missy came into the kitchen about 7:35 and said, "I will be here for breakfast at 8:00."

I just said, "Today is Monday. Breakfast is at 7:30."

She turned around and walked out. I went about my business.

Neither kid showed up again for a long time - like 2 hours. If they happened to pass me they did not speak to me or look at me. My experience has taught me that there is nothing I can safely say at this point that won't throw us into a power struggle when they set themselves against the schedule hard like that. I remained silent. At  9:45 I took two pieces of paper and wrote their names on the top. Then wrote out a math problem for them regarding how many minutes late they were to breakfast and a list of jobs. On the bottom I wrote that if they expected to go to swimming tonight they would be working very hard today.  I set out a bowl of lentils and a serving of corn chips and a kiwi each and wrote for them to help themselves to their lunch when they were ready. I went in my bedroom and locked the door.

I heard them go and eat. I heard dishes being washed. I heard the vacuum running. Math got done, their laundry is nearly done, their rooms are vacuumed, and so are the stairs, the kitchen is clean and the floor is swept. I've come out and made vegetable soup and they are still hard at it. The bathrooms are being cleaned. The eggs are gathered and sorted, the garbage cans are emptied, the shoes are put away....

Hmmmm.....

I reminded them that skipping their personal responsibilities, like teeth brushing, was invisibly on their lists as well. Suddenly they were both brushing their teeth. The lists are completed but they continue to look for things that need doing because they know if I catch them sitting around it's not likely going to sit well but I won't say a word and so they would be left guessing. They used up their free time this morning, as far as am concerned. They really do want to go swimming tonight.

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5:30 AM. 24 degrees. 17 miles. And he's off to work on his bicycle. I really did offer to drive him but he's dedicated to his health. 😶 yesterday it took him an hour and a half to get there - something to do with how cold and how dark it was. At least today he can snag a bus for part of it. Yesterday he was chased by a big German shepherd. Last week he nearly hit a dead deer... But until the snow gets too deep he's riding. #determined #onecarfamily #reflectivegear #lovethatmanofmine

Raising Lions

It was Sunday and James was standing outside wailing loud and long enough for the whole valley to hear. It was time to clean the barn. He didn't want to. Every week is the same song and dance.

I was so tired of it. He's been calmer, more appropriate, and easier to live with, but he's still extremely repulsed by work, or anything he perceives as hard, and anything that takes muscle or mental effort. That's pretty much life so we endure tears frequently. His physical therapy team is about to dismiss him because he will. not. work. on strengthening his muscles. They say he shuts down the second he perceives that he must exert himself in the least. He's stuck physically, mentally, socially, emotionally, and developmentally because he won't do the work it takes to move on. Not a hair.

Vanessa bailed me out. She took him running. They ran along the irrigation ditch as far as it goes West, and then turned around and ran back and around the mountain so that they went as far as it goes West on that side. Then they ran along the road and up over the mountain to our side again. He decided to clean the barn without another word. If a barn could sparkle....

Meantime I cried and then prayed and then got on google and typed "lazy 11 year olds". Desperate times call for desperate measures!!  :-)

I scrolled through a few useless things and very nearly scrolled right on past a recommendation for a book. Raising Lions The Art of Compassionate Discipline by Joe Newman did catch my eye and I downloaded it to my Kindle app and sat down to read.  And READ. I read it all before the evening was over.

Raising Lions is a book for parents or educators dealing with behavior problems.  It is simple, straightforward, practical, and encouraging. James is William of the story of chapter 4. He is passive and content with his state of affairs. He has every avoidance technique mastered and exercises very little self-regulation.   Missy is Emma of chapter 5 who is manipulative, oppositional, emotionally volatile, will not accept correction or consequences or direction, wants everything to be fair,  and is super competitive. Both children are stuck in the stage where they believe they are what the writer terms omnipotent. They are the most important person in their world. They must control everything or everything will spin out of control. They have not reached the developmental milestone of interdependence. Consequently they have are not really developing relationships and it's no wonder they don't worry about hurting feelings, or destroying friendships. They don't get it.  As for us,  I've become the authoritarian parent and Steve is moralizing till we are all blue in the face. This is born of our utter frustration and burnout. We are getting close to six years of this...

I quote from www.raisinglions.com " Raising Lions challenges us to re-examine our interactions and relationships with children, re-think the root causes of behavior problems and find new ways to support healthy, happy development."

I'm going to let you scour for reviews online. They are out there. Here's one to get you started: http://parentingsquad.com/book-review-raising-lions-by-joe-newman

We've done some things right. We have done some things wrong. I can see how having the kids do jumping jacks for a minute or two when they are struggling goes right along with the writer's plan, except we are creating stimulation instead of boredom, but it has been working. Having the door alarms goes along with the plan, too in that it creates a safe place to put a stop to behaviors - but I can see how I can do it differently and not leave them for longer than they absolutely need in order to reward their efforts at self-control. I can see how bringing them home to educate them cut out a lot of people in their lives that might have been catering to their "disabilities" and also created a consistency that is necessary. It cuts a lot of their power in being "disabled" out. We need to empower them to develop to their full potential, not bow to their "omnipotent" power of controlling the world around them to keep everything the same.

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I have a podiatrist appointment Wednesday.

We are dealing with more than plantar fasciitis. I could survive the fasciitist on its own, but I compensate for the high arch by carrying all the weight on the outside of my foot. From what I can gather I am dealing with lateral column overload.... We shall see if I'm right and if there is anything we can do about it.