Full Blown RAD

Both Kids have Reactive Attachment Disorder.

There. I said it.

When it was laid on our hearts to make room in our hearts and home for needy kids I said, "Yes, Lord, I'll be willing, only please no FAS or RAD. Thank you very much!"

That's sort of like saying, "Sure, I will be happy to take your indoor golden retriever, only promise me I'll not have to deal with dog hair."

It just goes with the territory of foster kids. They probably are all at some level of Attachment issues.

It has taken this long -  20 months for it to fully manifest itself. Yes, I knew there was lack of attachment signs, especially in Missy. I also knew out home was different than anything they had experienced up until they came, and there was an adjustment period for them. They were so busy fighting the changes, and they were sooooo developmentally behind they were just figuring out who they were. Really, they came as babies even if they were 6.  BUT now it is clear with neon lights a-flashing!! RAD, RAD, RAD!

As for the FAS... we may have been spared, but no one will really ever know. The denial of the use of alcohol by their mother is made by everyone I have talked to. There is some suggestion of meth involvement - but we have no concrete evidence. Science now knows that alcohol use by a father does affect the unborn, so, hey, anything is possible.

Missy is worse than James, by far. That's obvious. But he isn't exempt. He has most of the signs, just in a lesser degree.

Vanessa took the checklist of Attachment symptoms yesterday and filled it out. I was interested to see her take on where the kids are.

She checked 15 out of 21 signs. I checked 17 out of 21 signs.

Here's the List of things we see:

• Superficially charming (phony) - this is irksome as people think I must be a jerk to think my child has problems.....
• Lack of eye contact - James cannot keep eye contact at ALL!
• Overly affectionate with strangers - there again, I must be an awful mother not to recognize that my child craves love and affection
• Not affectionate with mom - this is especially evident when the family is all together. They hug and kiss before bed and pass by me and I have to make the effort to get them to hug me, but you would think I was a porcupine.
• Extreme control problems "sneaky" - This is Missy to a T. James is in a different sort of way.
• Destructive to self and others - not obvious, but there.
• Chronic crazy lying - Don't ask them a question. You won't get the truth.
• Learning Lags and disorders - Certainly a problem, though, less for James than Missy. She has everyone thinking she is less intelligent than he is.
• Lack of cause and effect thinking - Obvious in Both
• Lack of conscience - I think that James is developing a bit of a conscience.
• Abnormal eating patterns - Especially in Missy - over-eating. No turn off valve.
• Persistent questions and chatter - THIS is unbearable!!! Especially in Missy.
• Inappropriately demanding / clingy - This again is Missy to a T.
• Abnormal speech patterns - both kids
• Parents appear over-controlling or angry - YUP. Obviously by recent comments people do believe we are over controlling.
• No impulse control - this also had a subtitle of stealing. BUT they DO NOT STEAL, only they have no impulse control in other areas, better than it use to be, but still impulsive.

The ones we don't see:

• Cruelty to animals - there were a few times at the beginning where James kicked, or stepped on or tried to kill. NOW they Love the animals. Missy talks to them all the time very sweetly.
• Poor peer relationships - this is perhaps because they have such wonderful kids for friends.
• Preoccupied with fire, blood and gore - I don't see this. James is sickened by the sight of stuff to the point of puking too easily. Ha ha!
• False allegations of abuse - not so far. They aren't effectual communicators and they know it.
• Triangulations of adults - they are either not good at this, or our united front is deterring them.

James is now happily getting ready for school. Missy is screaming in the bedroom. She has been trying to make herself as unlovely as possible these days from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed. Yesterday I worked very hard with her. She deliberately tried to repulse me all day long. She is afraid of love. She wants me mad. She wants me as far away from her as possible. She wants to be with other people desperately to get away from me. There are no incentives desirable enough right now to encourage good behavior. I've decided... so be it. I will do what I have to do to facilitate healing and she will desperately push me away. We may actually be closer to healing now than we were when she was acting "compliant".

The girls took the twins for a two mile run yesterday and I sat down to watch a video on bonding and healing. I cried through the first half hour talking about what parents have to do to protect themselves from being destroyed. So much of it was validating my experience. Later the big girls joined me and we watched the steps to bringing them to healing. It's a good thing I am a strong person. We are in this for the long haul. The Lord be our helper!