Miss Muffet was actually doing okay, (give or take 15 battles but for her that is nothing out of the ordinary) but all my energy was being drained away by James, so when Steve came home I invited her to go with me to the grocery store. I prefer to shop alone, but I know she loves to go and to her it's like going on a special date. She had been sledding, so was dressed for the North Pole and she was all worried about going shopping with her snow pants on.
I told her to buckle up and a mile down the road I turn to see that she has her seat belt strap off and she's working on getting her coat off. I stopped the car in the middle of the road and told her to please put her seat belt back on.
She made some impertinent remark with great disrespect.
I told her no, she would put her seat belt on or I would turn around and take her home. She sullenly put the seat belt back on.
It wasn't about her being hot. She didn't want to wear the snow pants in the store and I had suggested she might take them off eventually. I know she can wiggler her coat off with the seat belt on, I've seen her do it. This was about doing HER WAY..
About a 1/4 of a mile further down the road I glance back to find that she is once again out of her seat belt.
I make a U turn without a word.
The screaming rage that erupted was almost more than I could bear.
Part of her was still buckled up, so while she was making her best effort at slapping me, she couldn't reach. I rolled all the windows down - partly to cool her anger down, perhaps distract her, and partly to make space for the sound waves!
Christina came rushing to the door to see the spectacle. She said they could hear us in the house long before we arrived.
I said nary a word from the start to when I undressed her from her snow clothes and put her in bed. I left Steve to deal with the rage fest.
When I came home from getting groceries it was back to the nuthouse. BOTH kids grasping desperately for control and by all appearances succeeding because I couldn't get Missy to brush her teeth and James was still refusing to do what I requested. He had been in a literal stand-off all day.
All week I have tried to be extra patient and understanding while holding firm, but at 3 o'clock today I finally lost my cool. Missy was back in bed in a flash and her second rage of the day was cut short. James hates it when I get loud, but wonder of wonders he started to move!!! He suddenly declared he would obey. It wasn't without a couple of hurdles that he got his things done, but it did get done for a change.
In one hand I was devastated. . . On the other I was reveling in the results. I felt like justice had been wrought, but I was on the verge of tears for cracking.
We have company coming for supper in a few minutes. Both kids have early bed in store for them and it was their choice to lose the privilege of enjoying friends. Tomorrow neither child will be going to Sabbath School. They are both on apron strings... which means they are stuck with us in juniors. At this point they have to stay near us because we can't trust them, and because they feeling like they don't need us.
I am utterly weary and I don't know if I can handle another day of this without some change towards hope.
9 comments:
Not only is tomorrow another day, but the beginning of another week. Praying the up coming week is better for both of us {{{Hugs}}}
Maybe she was hot. Perhaps after she obeyed the first time and put her seatbelt back on, you could have rewarded her by quickly pulling over and stopping the car so she could have removed her jacket safely. Kristy
I think your role as teacher and mother is quite a difficult and complex task, and I give you much respect for taking on this role with two challenging children.
I encourage you to take a step back and really define the roles between teacher and parent, as you are quite an authoritarian in your home. Such demands for obedience and 100% compliance with their schoolwork might be entrenching your children into getting stuck in these power struggles and battles over schoolwork. It's a battle I don't think you enjoy taking on (who would?) and I don't think it's helping the children's education. As an educator, I can guarantee you that authoritarian models of teaching are not considered best practices in the classroom. Kids shut down. They dig in their heels. Learning stops.
First, I think you should really evaluate what mastery of a concept means. In data-driven environments, "mastery" might mean 80% correct. It might mean 90%. It might even mean 70%. It depends on your curriculum, goals, students, etc. Never does mastery mean exactly 100%. What I'm saying is, the child doesn't have to perform with 100% speed and accuracy to be considered competent and capable in a task. For example, if your son is working on a practice worksheet and completes 8 problems correctly, and then writes his "h" backwards for one, and gets stuck on one and doesn't finish, it's okay. Really. It's okay. Let it go. It's okay as far as mastery is concerned. The other two items might not be worth pushing. Move on, otherwise both of you get entrenched in a battle, and although you might feel like you're winning the war on "disobedience," these sorts of battles turn kids off from learning, and you'll find more problems cropping up of entrenching, refusal to perform, and just being a mule. He's going to be doing that, if you are demanding 100% compliance in accuracy and completion.
Next, I think you should evaluate your curriculum. Here is a great link to a PPT, I think it must be from a school district in-service, on mastery education. What does it mean to teach to mastery? It means you articulate the instructional goals and evaluation methods BEFORE you start teaching. You allow your kids to learn at their own pace, and assess/give feedback/reteach along the way, finally you test for learning (that could be that last worksheet), and if you're at that 80% (or whatever marker you determine...NOT 100%), then you can move on to other concepts.
I'm not sure how you are teaching your kids. All you've shared here is the worksheet example. But are you crafting lessons with review, anticipatory set (getting them focused and interested in the topic before you start), teach them the objective (this is what I want you to learn, this is what you're going to demonstrate, this is how you'll be assessed), THEN you teach with modeling, guided practice, checking for understanding, informal assessment (thumbs up/thumbs down, for example). Then your child does some independent practice (this is the homework worksheet) and this is how you assess what they have learned, and if mastery has been achieved. Finally, have some closure, help them make sense of the concept and solidify it into working memory.... and move on!!
Here is another link, a little more "behaviorist" and simplistic, but a nice explanation of what mastery is. I would encourage you, however, to look past that "100% completion" or "100% accuracy" as a marker for fluency/accuracy in concepts. http://www.fluency.org/Binder_Haughton_Bateman.pdf
I hope this message came across as helpful, and not hurtful. I am not trying to judge or change your parenting. I only want to give you some other ideas towards teaching these kids. I think there are better ways that would help both you and the kids in the classroom.
I appreciate what you are trying to say. I realize there is a balance to strive for and I lean towards authoritative. I also can't give a complete picture... These are snapshots of our struggles. But hear. I do try to teach, etc... The part we have a struggle with is the independent part!! Neither child is sel directed nor wants to be. The whole fight is to engage me fully even when they are competent. This is in everything. They don't want to do anything independent. They want my input every time they make a mark with their pencil... And then they quickly move into getting me to give them all the answers even though the know.how do you deal with thAt?
I think the comment above is from an individual who might not understand the mind of a child from a hard place. There is no logic involved. There is no convincing someone about this truth unless they have gone through it.
There is hope because you have already brought them so far.
You aren't too controlling. Hold fast to your methods.
The book "Adopting Kids From Hard Places" would encourage you to not ignore the behavior. Even if you have to say, Thank you Missy for doing ______ this time. I knew that is what you were going to do so I am glad you didn't make me think wrong. Figure out how you can be the one in control. Then she will know you are capable of taking care of her. This is for the post below.
I read this post out loud to my daughter and we enjoyed it because it read like, "Twas the Night Before Christmas" You should try it.
Well, I can tell you that I have taught literally thousands of children over the past 15 years. I have a MA in education, am a master teacher, trainer and presenter. I have taught children of all backgrounds and abilities, from rural America to the inner-city, including children from "hard places." I have also been an (informal) foster parent to a homeless 18 year old girl (a former student of mine), who aged out of the system and found herself with very few options. I get it. Having never *parented* young children from a hard place (only having young bio-kids, neurotypical), I don't suggest how to parent differently, but of course, with my experience, yes, I do suggest how to teach in different ways.
The truth I speak of involves best practices in education. Best practices for all children. The mastery process gives great scaffolding and "front loading" of content, which is EXACTLY what children from hard places need. Please take a look at the links I've given. There's nothing radical or outrageous about my suggestions. Take them or leave them, but don't suggest that I don't understand children from hard places.
I will look at the links.
Missy and Delaney are just alike. I promise. This could have been a story about Delaney. Not regard for what I tell her to do...only what she wants to do. Delaney wants to do what she wants to do. Period. She does NOT care what I say. It is so hard. But I would have done EXACTLY what you did. Hello U-turn. Hello Bed.
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